The Industry hangs on his every word… even the prepositions…
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on his computer. He is always in control.
He is so interesting he had a colonoscopy and through the scope you could see the seven cities of gold and white turtle doves.
He actually can bench press Asian chicks. He doesn’t have to act it.
Before he came along, people said, “The reason why I am not rich is because of these games.” After he came along, people said, “The reason why I am rich is because of these games.”
When a game console goes kaput, he issues a stern warning and the game console comes back on.
In Industry discussions, he is never named, but everyone knows who he is.
His reputation precedes him… the way lightning precedes thunder…
He is…
(drumroll…)
THE MOST INTERESTING GAMER IN THE WORLD.
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Camera zooms in on Malstrom sitting at a fine table in a swanky bar. In one hand is a glass of bourbon, the other is a cigar.
”All the things you have heard about me are true. It is true that during the 8-bit generation, I took a boat and went to the dark continent.
”After a storm sank my boat, I found myself washed up on shore including the cargo. The natives wanted to eat me, but I unveiled my cargo to them which happened to be NES systems and Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. Oh, they were well amazed!
”Concerning the ‘Dark Continent’, the Romans may have introduced them to wine, Napoleon may have introduced them to literacy, but I introduced them to video games. So yes, it is true, I brought gaming to a new continent.
”They were so amazed that a local tribesleader gifted me with a princess where we lived in a cave for a year. Yes, that story is true.
”It is true that I stopped playing video games because, if you’ve been there since the beginning, you’d have realized they were just remaking the same old games.
”It is true that I taught my cat to play Smash Brothers.
”I once almost broke the World Record for Paradroid. Popular opinion at the time said the reason why I didn’t was because of my insistence of using my older Boss Joystick. I would have replaced it.
”….
”No… I wouldn’t.
”It was too much a part of me. And the women, they seem to like it. Anyway, I was the featured guest at a fundraising event for a very important senator. I brought in over a million dollars, which, at that time, was a very tidy sum I might add (wink). Unknown to all until this posting, the senator was going to make a vote on this secret bill in the 1980s which would have outlawed video games forever. However, due to my generous fund raising, I ‘persuaded’ the senator to vote against the measure and thus, saved video games from extinction…
”I stopped gaming for decades. But when I was contacted by the Gaming Spirit to share my knowledge on the Revolution, I was very excited. You see, I was first acquainted with Nintendo back in the 1970s when I did some business in Japan. At the time, I was Hiroshi Yamauchi’s wingman as we patrolled the night districts.
”I told him, “Hiroshi! Your company makes cards, not food. You should stop this rice nonsense. What you need, instead, is to start using your card distributor network to sell toys. By the way, there is this thing on the rise in America called ‘computers’ and a new type of toy on it called ‘video games’….
“After learning how to play Go from Yamauchi, when I got back to America I challenged Nolan Bushnell to a game where the loser had to adopt the winner’s hairstyle for the rest of his days. Bushnell lost. But at least he got a fabulous beard!
”I also first met Reggie Fils-Aime one time in a Pizza Hut. He wanted to sell me a Big Foot Pizza which I did not want. So I kicked his ass and took his name. Henceforth, he learned his lesson and now proceeds to kick asses and take other people’s names.
”But I am no shill. I tend to avoid the public limelight especially after my fling with the Princess of OohLani.
”But after the Spirit of Gaming protested and made clear that all gaming would be smothered out and become the sausage factory creating gamers who know nothing of the magic of gaming, I relented.
(Malstrom leans forward.)
”So… allow me to introduce myself. I am, in fact, the World’s Most Interesting Gamer.”
(Fade out.)
