Theme song kicks in.
“Welcome to ‘Who wants to make a Mass Market Console?’! I am your host, Sean Malstrom, and we are here with the President of Nintendo, Satoru Iwata.
Above: The host of “Who Wants to Make a Mass Market Console?”: Sean Malstrom
“Mr. Iwata is just ONE QUESTION away from having a mass market console to take over all the Earth. Never before, on this show, have I seen someone do so spectacularly well. The success of the DS and the success of the Wii have put Mr. Iwata within one question away from winning the grand prize!
“Are you ready, Mr. Iwata?”
“Then let’s play Who Want’s To Make a Mass Market Console?!!”
Ominous Music begins.
The Question: Of the four choices below, what is the mass market approach to a video game handheld?
A) Packed with value, future proof, at a higher cost, including doubling as a cell phone to always be carried around.
B) Affordable, accessible in both hardware and software, high battery life, and is launched with fantastic games like Tetris.
C) Sleek, compact, affordable, emphasis on online elements, launches with ports of fantastic hardcore home console games.
D) Focus on 3d visual surprise even if it increases hardware and software cost, low battery life, and gives people headaches.
“Ummm…” began Iwata, swallowing.
“Remember,” said Malstrom, “It is a difficult decision but one you must make as President of Nintendo.”
“You have three lifelines available.”
“Hmm… Let’s try ‘History of Past Game Consoles’, Sean.”
“Very well.” Malstrom reads from a card. “The Sega Gamegear and Atari Lynx were thought to be sure hits due to their beautiful color display and graphical leap over the black and white Gameboy. But the visual advantage came at a heavy price resulting in high cost for the hardware and much lower battery life. The Gameboy soundly outsold them despite its visual inferiority due to its higher battery life and cheaper cost.”
Iwata looked frustrated. “But there are so many… other…good choices…”
“Would you like to ask the customers what they want?”
“I don’t think that is necessary! Hahahahaha!”
“Then you have only one lifeline left…”
“You’re right! Let’s call Yamauchi!”
Lifeline music plays. Phone rings.
“Mr. Yamauchi! This is Satoru Iwata.”
“You made me President of Nintendo!”
“Oh… Now I remember you. What’s up?”
“I have a tough question. When making a mass market handheld game console, do I…”
“Son, I already told you. I think it’d be cool if the images just ‘popped out’ at you! Hahaha! But it is up to you guys to make it all work. And stop calling me on this line, Iwata! I’m supposed to be retired!”
“Thanks Yamauchi! I knew the answer, I just wanted to be sure. The answer is D: Focus on 3d visual surprise despite the increase in costs and decline in battery life.”
Malstrom looked at Iwata. “Is that your final answer?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Malstrom shook his head. “I’m sorry, Iwata, but you blew it. Believe it or not, the answer was B: Affordable and accessible with high battery life launching with great games like Tetris.”
Iwata’s face goes white as he gasps. “No! It… can’t be!”
“Your people… must be wrong. 3D has to be the future of all gaming…. Miyamoto swears by it! I… uh…”
“You can try again in five years.”
Malstrom turns toward the camera. Theme music begins.
“Thanks for watching everyone! And I’ll see you on the next ‘Who wants to make a Mass Market Console?’!”