Posted by: seanmalstrom | January 23, 2013

Nintendo’s Latest Direct is MY WORST NIGHTMARE

I’ve spent the last half hour yelling at my computer monitor that showed Iwata’s latest Nintendo Direct. I was always ambivalent about the Wii U since it at least had 2d Mario and didn’t have all that 3d junk that was in the 3DS. Wii U was just too expensive, had no Virtual Console, had no other games, and the 2d Mario wasn’t doing anything really new. This latest Nintendo Direct has made me hostile against the Wii U.

I will never buy this lousy excuse of a console.

MiiVerse upgrades like Youtube video

I don’t care about Mii-Verse. I want to TURN IT OFF. All I want to do is interact with my friends. I don’t want a fracking ‘community’. I want my game console to not treat me like a child.

The only way I could ever play a Wii U is to have it unplugged from the Internet because that is the only way I know how to turn off the MiiVerse crap. To you Wii U users, have you found the MiiVerse experience to be worth it? MiiVerse on smartphones? No thanks. I DON’T WANT THIS FAKE REALITY.

Something like Nintendo Power was cool because it was a product you bought that had game hints, glorious pictures of maps, and information of upcoming games. The content of Miiverse are users which they will only put out unprofressional crap I’d rather not read. I don’t care for message forums or the characters that hang out on them.

Miiverse seems like a way for Nintendo to generate Wii U content by not doing any development work. It is users entertaining other users. This is typical Internet garbage that you see from Youtube comments and gaming message forum posts. Why am I paying money to experience garbage? At least gaming message forums and youtube are free.

Virtual Console

At least they’re putting a price cut on games you’ve already bought. But why are the users paying ANYTHING at all? There is absolutely no work that needs to be done to display a NES or SNES game on the Gamepad. And if there does need to be worked, then Nintendo screwed up with the hardware. It is just streaming it over. Movies don’t require that type of work. There’s no reason to be paying money at all.

“But the Miiverse integration!”

Frack that! I run a popular Nintendo website and even I don’t want to interact with the Nintendo fans. When I buy Super Mario Brothers, I just want to play Super Mario Brothers. I don’t want to join a ‘community’ of Super Mario Brothers which is a ridiculous bloated message forum. Frack this.

Do I ever OWN these games? Apparently not. I just get a ‘discount’ for buying the same exact game all over again.

I want to own a collection. Nintendo’s Virtual Console is worthless to me. To the confused people at NOA, let me illustrate the issue like this:

What if I want to buy a Virtual Console game with NO MiiVerse support and no Gamepad support. You already have Wii VC games transferred over. Why not just flip the switch and allow us to buy VC games like that, and add it to our collection? If we ever felt the need to ‘integrate with Miiverse’ or to use the ‘Gamepad’, we could upgrade or not. After all, iTunes offers both SD and HD versions of movies.

This is not doing the job I want the console to do. I want the console to give me access to a COLLECTION of games where I can choose what controller I want (the correct controller for each game). Instead, we get this awful integrated-hardware-and-software crap philosophy rammed down our throats.  Maybe I want to play the VC game without all this stuff. Since Wii’s VC games already run on the Wii U, there is no reason not to open up the Wii’s VC console for this job. If people wish to upgrade to Gamepad or Miiverse support, they can do so.

Wii U’s VC plans make me furious. This is not the job I want the console to do. I just want the console to be a box that plays games. I want to OWN these games. Still no account system. Worthless.

Iwata’s Engrish

Around this time, I noticed something was really wrong. Before, game announcements were exciting not just because of E3 but because E3 was presented by someone who knew how to speak English. Why am I listening to stilted English that was making me cringe? Why did Nintendo hire a native English speaker like Reggie Fils-Aime anyway?

In the early Nintendo days of the 80s and 90s, they never, ever had the Japanese make the sales pitch overseas. There are too many differences of nations for them to be effective salesmen. That’s why places like NOA exist. We didn’t even know who Miyamoto was until Nintendo Power interviewed him for the making of Super Mario Brothers 3. And even then, we were like, “OK, that’s cool.” And moved on. Game makers were not celebrities. Actors are celebrities because they are handsome and pretty. The only ugly celebrities are politicians. That is why they say politics is show business for the ugly.

Why are we even seeing Iwata make these PR announcements? His time is better spent doing something else. Who does this guy think he is, Steve Jobs? Steve Jobs was a gifted salesman. Why is Nintendo putting up non-salesmen to sell their products?

Pikmin 3 image sharing

That is my version of purgatory. It’s bad enough to play Pikmin 3, but to be surrounded by people sharing images of their use in the game makes me want to jump off a bridge.

Mario Kart U, 3d Mario U, Smash Brothers U, Zelda U

Is anyone not surprised by this? They come out for every Nintendo console. And Iwata told us no details except ‘wait until E3′. Meh.

NES 30th Anniversary

Why does Nintendo keep thinking anyone actually likes games like Balloon Fight? I was there when it was originally released, and we didn’t like it then. 30 years later I don’t think we’ll like it any better. Balloon Fight is nothing more than a Joust ripoff. Nintendo should just talk to Midway or whoever and put Joust on the system. We will never like Balloon Fight no matter how much they keep ramming it at us. Oh, and how is that Nintendo Land version? hah

Why is Super Metroid on the list? It’s not a NES game. Why not put the superior NES Metroid up there? Metroid was and is a huge hit because it was a very challenging game. That game needs more attention. And why F-Zero? Why not put up a NES game like Mach Rider?

New Iwata Asks

“I want to discuss the company’s culture and philosophy.” NO ONE CARES. We buy games. We don’t buy ‘culture’ or ‘philosophy’. This is a bad, bad sign. It is one thing not to talk engineering when selling products to customers. But when talking to developers, if they’re more interested in talking culture or philosophy, it signals just how worthless they are.

Wonderful 101

Originally, Wonderful 101 looked intriguing. In the latest trailer, it has the signs of BOMBA written all over it. This game is going to bomb hard. I’d feel embarassed to buy this game (or Bayonetta 2).

Bayonetta 2

Seeing how not that many people bought the first game, I don’t see this going anywhere. It’s a bad sign when so much of the game is focused on the sex appeal of the main character. “I want it to actually look like leather.” The trailer ends with, “Do you want to touch me?” I think I’d rather touch myself.

Wind Waker HD

Iwata: “The original Wind Waker didn’t sell well due to the limited Gamecube userbase. This is why we are re-releasing for the Wii U.” hahahahahahahaha. I needed that laugh.

If they want a larger userbase, I don’t think Wii U is the answer! hahahaha

We all know why Wind Waker didn’t sell. It was a terrible Zelda game if it could be called a Zelda game at all. It had an atrocious art style. It was call ‘Celda’ and mocked relentlessly. The gameplay had boring ocean sailing parts and few dungeons. Naturally, Nintendo thinks this is the perfect Zelda to introduce to people! (hahaha)

Wind Waker HD tells us that Nintendo is living in complete denial about why Wind Waker was rejected. Wind Waker HD also tells us where Nintendo wants Zelda to go. More Wind Waker. Think the DS Zelda type games coming to Wii U. *shudder*.

Aonuma In a Hoodie

You know I was just shouting at the computer screen at this time. I’m becoming paranoid enough to wonder if Nintendo is trying to specifically infuriate me. They have Aonuma come out in a hoodie and say, “It is time to change the Zelda formula because what we have doesn’t work.” So why is Wind Waker HD being released then?

“We must find a Zelda formula that works.” How about the Zelda I, II, Link to the Past, or Ocarina of Time formula? Even Twilight Princess was trying to replicate Ocarina of Time. That all worked VERY WELL. What hasn’t worked is Majora’s Mask, Wind Waker, DS Zeldas, and Skyward Sword. Aonuma, who cannot dress himself properly and looks like a Man Child in that outfit, should have been removed from Zelda a long time ago. Jay Wilson should apply to direct a Nintendo franchise. He’d never be removed if Aonuma is any indication!

I consider the Zelda franchise permanently destroyed at this point. There is absolutely no hope if Aonuma is in control. Aonuma is hostile to the original arcade/RPG gameplay that made Zelda popular in the first place. Read his GDC comments at 2004 if you wish to know how much he despises oldschool Zelda. He thinks the only good thing about Link to the Past is cutting grass.

At this point, I expect Sakamoto to appear and announce Metroid: Other M 2. He will say, “We need to find a Metroid formula that works,” because apparently the early Metroid games and Metroid Prime didn’t work. Well, Sakamoto did not appear, but I’m pretty certain Other M 2 is in the works.

Nintendo is revealing themselves to be a bunch of wild eyed ideologues that are interested in doing what pleases them and not what pleases society. Their sales will suffer. If you haven’t sold your Nintendo stock yet, you better do it now.

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