Rawmeat Cowboy from, the built by the bootstraps, GoNintendo has a feeling…
I think the gang at CrispyGamer may have a slight chip on their shoulder when it comes to Nintendo, or more specifically, the Wii. I don’t want to go around just blasting accusations. I’m just simply stating that that’s the feeling I get when I read their articles. Perhaps it’s just me. I mean, I am an uber Nintendo fan after all. Many people think that clouds my judgment of other consoles and games. Ah, if there was only a way to prove that that’s not true!
This sounds like a job for…
*heroic music plays*
Superhero Malstrom! I shall prove that Rawmeat Cowboy’s feeling is not true!
Let us examine the CrispyGamer article with a fine tooth comb. Ahh, here is the first piece of evidence…
Ten days ago Nintendo’s Wii MotionPlus came into my life. I plugged it into my Wii Remote, clicked the LOCK button, then applied the new, extend-o version of the rubber grip casing (which resembles a very poorly made condom. I’m just saying). Voilà: my once modest-sized Wii Remote had grown an entire inch. Suddenly, the Wii Remote had more heft in my hand; it had substance. Instead of feeling like a toy or a videogame controller, it felt like a tool, or maybe a weapon. It had an adult-like seriousness about it. Or maybe I was simply hoping for some adult-sized seriousness.
You know those penis jokes about the Wii since 2006? They are still absolutely hilarious, and we just can’t get enough of them! The Brilliant Game Journalist is doubling here as a Fantastic Comedian who, by all means, should get his paycheck doubled since he is being both journalist and comedian. The penis jokes are the uproar of laughter and have never gotten stale! Is this bias? No! It is genius humor by our Brilliant Game Journalist!
Let’s face it: The Wii doesn’t have to grow up; it’s still selling like cold drinks on a hot day. But as a gamer, I’d sure like it to grow up.
More brilliant humor! And, coupled with the joke, there is a Great Observation. The Great Observation was for the Wii to grow up. The Brilliant Game Journalist, who here is acting as the authority of being grown up (and right after the penis joke, mind you), is telling us lowly riff-raff readers that the grand interpretation depends on the Brilliant Game Journalist, not on customers since, as he admits, Wii still sells. Bias? No! In fact, Rawmeat Cowboy and all of us should be thanking the Brilliant Game Journalist for imparting among us his brilliant observation that the Wii still hasn’t ‘grown up’. No, I don’t know what he defines as ‘grown up’ either but apparently Wii hasn’t done it yet. And that’s the problem!
What exactly is this thing that Nintendo is trying to foist on us for the low, low price of only $19.99? (I can hear Reggie Fils-Aime saying, “And if you call now, we’ll include this vintage copy of Geist absolutely free.”)
Mockery of the price, of Reggie, and of, all things, a Gamecube era game called Geist? No! It is more ingenious comedy.
Nintendo finally delivers on the it’s-not-just-waggle-anymore promise.
Here, the journalist is confronting Nintendo on its undelivered promise. What promise is this? I don’t know. I don’t think the Brilliant Game Journalist knows either. It is not like anyone quotes what Nintendo says in game journalism anymore. But he is a Brilliant Game Journalist, so who are we to question him? Obviously, the use of the word ‘waggle’ again shows how brilliantly humorous our adventurous and charming journalist is. It is, also, another joke from 2006 that hasn’t gotten stale.
It’s hard not to think, Wasn’t this thing supposed to result in fewer of these bullsh*t Wii moments? Is the technology better? It is. But we’re still a few months or possibly years away from motion-based technology that empowers instead of handicaps. (Project Natal: That’s your cue.)
Here, the Brilliant Game Journalist stops playing journalist and comedian to transcend from the pages to another plane of existence: magical soothsayer. Yes, friends, the Magical Soothsayer knows that Project Natal will be coming out and that it is already superior to Motion Plus for games despite no games having been made for Natal yet.
My only question is why this Brilliant Game Journalist, when he is in his magical soothsayer mode, does not already review Project Natal games? He already knows that Project Natal empowers the player, not handicaps them with its games unlike the ‘not-grown-up-yet’ Wii. I am very curious what his reviews are on these unreleased and, still, undeveloped Natal games are. Or is it that the magical soothsaying mode for Natal only appears when reviewing motion control games for the Wii?
Therefore, I have proven that this article is a work of wonders written by a Brilliant Game Journalist, who doubles as a Great Comedian, and at the end of the article transcends into a magical soothsaying mode. Obviously, Rawmeat Cowboy is a raging fanboy whose diplomatic and low-keyed ‘feeling’ is an atrocious assault and attack on our honorable game journalists.
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