Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 14, 2010

Microsoft Press Conference E3 2010

Can someone open a door? I must rush out and buy Kinect. Reader, stop reading and open the door! I cannot wait to run out there, at this very moment, and buy Microsoft’s amazing new peripheral. Reader, if you go to the back room, you will find my tent. Get it out for me so I can pitch a tent at the store at this very moment. I will camp out for Kinect starting immediately. We can kiss the Wii goodbye. I am converted! It is all about Kinect now.

Reader, you may be astonished at my conversion. So if you be quiet for a moment and stop your yapping, I will explain why I am rushing out the door now, with my tent, to camp out for the Kinect.

”But Kinect launches in November, Malstrom. Are you going to camp for that long?”

Goodness gracious! Did you not hear me about your yapping, reader? It is amazing that anything can get posted on this site at all with all your talking. I can’t get a word in edgewise.

”Very well. I will become silent.”

Now, Kinect is launching with the most amazing game line-up ever in history. Every time I look at the list, my knees get weak, and I must sit down.

Click to see the full list, reader.

Just look at these new classics such as ‘Kinectimals’ which is a game about animals! I bet you never saw a video game that was about animals, reader! And look at this other modern classic called ‘Joyride’. Could nothing be more marvelous? Mario Kart, farewell, and Joyride, approach the throne. And, look reader, there is the game with the imaginative title called “Motion Sports”. And if that isn’t enough for you, there is the game called “the Biggest Loser” (a prophetic game we will discover). How can you sit there, reading from your computer, and not want to rush outside and pitch a tent to camp out for Kinect? We must get there early before it sells out. And who knows, maybe we can put Kinect on Ebay to sell it for more than what it originally cost! It will be so much in demand!

Other reasons why I have to get Kinect is so I can learn some new dance moves like this:

Oh baby, the ladies are really going to love me now! And there are more dance moves to learn like this…

Have you see anything more amazing than Kinect? No, of course you haven’t. That is why you are going to rush out the door with me, pitch a tent, so we have a chance to be able to buy Kinect before it all sells out.

And you know another reason why we need to rush out RIGHT NOW to line up for Kinect is how we can turn it on with just our voice. Even though this same feature is in cell phones where you can say who to call, and it never caught on, this will catch on because it is Kinect and Kinect has Kinectimals. Does Wii have Kinectimals? Noooooo! Microsoft has done it!

Remember the clapper? It made turning TVs and lights easier than actually getting up. But it never caught on. Kinect will make the already very difficult effort of ‘pushing a button on a remote’ much easier with ‘voice talk’ and will succeed where the Clapper failed.

More reason to get excited? There is the new slim model of Xbox 360. Microsoft has now generously decided to not have us pay $100 for a wi-fi adaptor as Xbox 360 slim now has wi-fi included in it. In other words, in 2010, the Xbox 360 has finally caught up to features the DS had in 2004.

But the games! Oh, the games, good reader, the games! I was never a Halo fan. But another Halo sequel? Man, now that is going to convince me to buy a Xbox 360. To those people who didn’t buy Gears of War 1 and 2, well, Gears of War 3 is going to make them rush out and buy a Xbox 360. I love how Microsoft has simplified gaming to only one genre: shooting games. Of course, there was that Metal Gear Solid game where instead of shooting everything, you cut everything instead. The Game Industry knows how to innovate! Instead of shooting everything, now you just cut everything! Hehe.

Above: With Halo Reach’s big thing about flying around in a space ship, it reminds one of this game from 2004.

”But the price, Malstrom! What about the price?”

Kinect is so good, it doesn’t need a price. If Kinect is less expensive than, say, $599, the hardware will be a bargain! Empty your piggy bank, reader, we will need all we have when we pitch our tents.

But best feature of all is in Kinect, there is a racing game where you can actually walk around the car.

”No way!”

And you can crawl on the ground and look closer, even look at the brake!

”Wow! Stop writing this post, Malstrom! We must leave immediately if we are to have any chance to buy Kinect before it sells out!”

Right! To the rest of you, you all are going to have to find someone else to post about the Nintendo and Sony press conferences. After Microsoft’s conference, there is nothing they can do to catch up.

As we rush out the door with our tents, we shout to the sky…




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