Posted by: seanmalstrom | February 16, 2011

Parody #11

Not every Iwata Asks interview is released to the public. In one interview, Malstrom was flown to Kyoto, Japan where he asked questions to the Nintendo staff on the company’s bold new direction. The results were so shocking they were locked and sealed forever. Malstrom ordered ninjas to go and retrieve the lost interview. After thirty three failed attempts, the thirty fourth ninja managed to sneak into the Nintendo vault, grab this interview, and make it out alive (barely) for your reading pleasure.

IWATA: “When the NES came out, it was a complete disaster. Everyone complained about one thing: why wasn’t the 3d better? The lack of 3d harmed sales of the NES and prevented its growth. The NES controller didn’t have enough buttons and, can you believe it?, there were no analog sticks. In order to compensate, we had to plug in an entirely different controller that was an actual joystick! Oh, those were the dark days!”

MIYAMOTO: “Indeed, they were. When the original Super Mario Brothers was released, the sales were very disappointing. There is some misinformation out there that says Super Mario Brothers sold because of its bright through-the-looking-glass world or through the interesting monsters like goombas and flying koopa troopas or because of the bright blue sky overhead. Other misinformation is that the game has interesting power-ups and things for the player to do like break blocks, bounce turtle shells, and play the game his own way. The only reason why Super Mario Brothers sold its small number was because of the Mario character. The Mario character had weight which is no coincidence why he is a little plump. Everyone who bought Super Mario Brothers did so because they liked staring at Mario and his fashionable overalls!”

Above: An absolute failure

MALSTROM: “But Super Mario Brothers sold better than Mario Brothers despite the Mario character being in both. Why do you think this happened?”

MIYAMOTO: “It is because Super Mario Brothers was more of a 3d game than Mario Brothers ever was. The side scrolling gave a sense of depth. And as we will come to see, the only thing consumers want is more 3d effects!”

Iwata, Miyamoto, and the rest of the Nintendo staff all nod to one another.

MALSTROM: “And what about Zelda?”

Aonuma shakes his head sadly.

AONUMA: “The Legend of Zelda was a complete failure. Like Super Mario Brothers, the only reason why it sold was because of the Link character. But the big problem with the original Zelda was the lack of 3d effects.” Aonuma’s face falls in his hands as he weeps. “Nintendo tried to simulate 3d with the overhead view of Zelda and the 2d view when Link gets the item. But, since I was not there at the time, they were not successful. It is no wonder that Zelda flopped.”

Above: Due to the lack of 3d effects, this game failed to sell.

AONUMA: “Since the lack of 3d effects caused the original Legend of Zelda to sell really bad, we tried to emulate more 3d effects in Zelda 2. We made a larger overhead map with sidescrolling adventures. As you can see, it was very primitive to what we have today. Like the original Legend of Zelda, no one bought Zelda 2. And those who did only bought the game because of the character.”

MIYAMOTO: “Characters are the only reason why people buy video-games!”

MALSTROM: “And now let me ask about Metroid…”

SAKAMOTO: “Metroid was a complete failure. And do you know the reason why?”

MALSTROM: “Uhh… lack of 3d effects?”

SAKAMOTO: “That’s right! No one bought Metroid because it didn’t have enough 3d effects! More 3d effects! That is what gaming needs! And do you know another reason why Metroid flopped?”

Malstrom just shakes his head.

SAKAMOTO: “It was the lack of cinematic cutscenes and voice acting! My goodness! I feel I must apologize to gamers about how awful Metroid is and how it uses little to no 3d effects!”

Above: If this game had proper cinematics exploring the character of Samus Aran, it would have actually sold.

MIYAMOTO: “It wasn’t much longer that Super Mario Brothers 3 came out. This game was also a flop. We tried to give the game more 3d effects, because that is the only thing that causes games to sell, so we made bigger worlds and even maps. In order to get one whistle, you had to go behind the end zone by dropping behind the white block! 3D effects! Mmmm mmmm mmm!”

MALSTROM: “I liked how in Super Mario Brothers 3 there were unique power-ups, very unique worlds like Giant World, and the game was so consistently interesting and fun!”

MIYAMOTO: “Nonsense! What you liked were the additional 3d effects!”

Above: This game flopped.

IWATA: “And then came the Super Nintendo. This, of course, added additional 3d effects such as Mode 7 in Pilotwings and F-Zero.”

MIYAMOTO: “With Super Mario World, we added more 3d effects. For example, during the fence climbing area, you could flip around and crawl on the other side of the fence! 3D effects are where it is at! Unfortunately, the game did not have enough 3d effects which is why Super Mario World is remembered as a horrible game.”

Above: Today, everyone hates this game because it didn’t have 3d effects.

IWATA: “Tell them why Super Mario Kart succeeded.”

MIYAMOTO: “Some people get the wrong idea that Super Mario Kart was successful because of its tracks, its multiplayer, the items, the arcade-like action the game had, or its Mushroom Land theme. The true reason why Super Mario Kart sold was because of greater 3d effects.”

Above: This game was only played for the 3d effects.

MALSTROM: “And that is the only reason why Star Fox sold as well?”

MIYAMOTO: “You’re finally catching on to what finally sells video games: 3D effects! Some people think Star Fox sold because of its fun gameplay, fast action, cool atmosphere, and other nonsense. But it was entirely about the 3d effects.”

AONUMA: “It was the only reason why Link to the Past sold, after all. That and the character. Allowing Link to hop off cliffs to ‘fall’ down below or even go into the Dark World and back were our desperate attempts to get 3d effects into the game…”

IWATA: “Because 3d effects are the only things that sell video games!”

AONUMA: “Indeed. Also, the puzzles in the dungeons are also a reason why people bought the game. In fact, from here on out Zelda should be nothing but Puzzle Dungeons strung together in a linear fashion.”

MIYAMOTO: “That sounds fantastic!”

AONUMA: “Indeed. Some people get the mistaken belief that elements such as the arcade like combat and items that were always useful, including to the combat, were what was fun about the game. Everyone knows Link to the Past sold only because of the 3d effects!”

Above: No one plays this game today because it lacks proper 3d effects.

IWATA: “And now to you, Sakamoto-san. Tell us of Super Metroid…”

SAKAMOTO: “As everyone else is saying, Super Metroid was a massive disappointment because it didn’t have the necessary 3d effects. However, we attempted to simulate them as much as possible such as Ridley or Samus’s space ship flying through the screen. This helped against the boring and repetitive gameplay.”

MALSTROM: “So why did people like Super Metroid and still like it to this day?”

SAKAMOTO: “Why, it was because of maternal instincts I presented through my ingenius interactive story telling tales. Games are all about the character, you know, as well as 3d effects. Things like finding new weapons or items are boring and brought the game down. Exploring an environment without anyone giving you any guidance also brought down the game. A proper sequel to Super Metroid would be a game with additional 3d effects and emphasis on Samus Aran’s character including especially her maternal instincts. And it would be best to remove all that repetitive stuff such as exploration or finding new weapons and items.”

Above: Sold only because of maternal instincts.

IWATA: “Sega was eating our lunch in the American market until Donkey Kong Country came out. Miyamoto, would you explain why that game was successful?”

MIYAMOTO: “The reason why Donkey Kong Country sold was because of the character of Donkey Kong and because of greater 3d effects. The sprites were made in actual 3d and placed into the game! It looked marvelous at the time! It is these 3d effects alone that sold the game. Things like the near co-op play to it being a respectable 2d platformer were not reasons why it sold. In fact, from now on Nintendo would never make a 2d platformer again.”

IWATA: “Because video game sales depend entirely on 3d effects.”

MIYAMOTO: “Exactly! So the 3d effects were the only thing that sold the Donkey Kong Country series. Now we move out of the Dark Age of 2d gaming and into the Golden Age of Gaming, the Golden Age of 3d!”

Above: Due to 3d effects, this became Nintendo’s best selling console

IWATA: “The Virtual Boy was the biggest success Nintendo has ever had. And do you know why, folks?”

EVERYONE: “Because of the 3d effects!”

Iwata nods.

IWATA: “Consumers went wild over the 3d effects. Even though the color was only in red and black, and that there could not be any local multiplayer, the market went wild over the Virtual Boy.”

MALSTROM: “And then you came out with the Nintendo 64.”

IWATA: “Nintendo 64 was more successful than we could ever have imagined.”

MALSTROM: “And it sold so well because of the 3d effects.”

IWATA: “Yes. The N64 controller, because it was using 3d effects, became the most accessible controller ever made. But notice the second half of the wing? It is the side of the D-pad. What point does the D-pad have with gaming with 3d effects? We will minimize or remove this soon as the D-pad is such an archaic thing.”

Above: Due to its artful use of 3d effects, this Nintendo console destroyed all competition.

MIYAMOTO: “When Mario 64 came out, it was far more successful than any Mario game ever made. This is because of the 3d effects and because of the character of Mario.”

MALSTROM: “But Mario 64 completely replaced the gameplay skeleton of Super Mario Brothers.”

MIYAMOTO: “None of that matters! All that matters is the character and 3d effects. This is why Mario 64 sold better than all other Mario games and why the Nintendo 64 dominated the PlayStation.”

MALSTROM: “And what about Zelda: Ocarina of Time?”

AONUMA: “The only reason why people liked Ocarina of Time was because of the 3d effects, the character, and because of the puzzles! The puzzle in the Water Temple was most marvelous indeed! If there was any negative thing about Ocarina of Time, it is the lack of a decent art style which we will not see until Wind Waker.”

MALSTROM: “Many people say Ocarina of Time had an interesting and vast overworld and had a fantastic universe inside the game.”

AONUMA: “Nonsense! What they truly liked were the puzzles and 3d effects. No one really liked the overworld anyway. And do you know why, Malstrom?”

MALSTROM: “No, Aonuma. Please tell me.”

AONUMA: “The overworld was the boring area that people had to suffer through in order to get to the really good stuff: the puzzle dungeons! That is what really sells Zelda! Puzzle dungeons and 3d effects! With future Zelda games, these will be the pattern!”

Above: Only sold due to its fun puzzles-in-the-dungeons like the Water Temple!

IWATA: “And now we come to the Gamecube. Due to increased use of 3d effects, the Gamecube was a monster success. It stomped all over the competition. The best part of the Gamecube was the controller. The only mar with the controller was the tiny D-pad. We tried to eliminate the D-pad altogether, as seen in the first unveil of the Gamecube controller, yet third parties demanded it. What fools these third parties be! How can they demand backwards 2d control in an era of 3d?”

Above: Nintendo decides to ‘simplify’ the N64 controller by removing the D-pad entirely because that type of gaming became obsolete due to blissful 3d effects.

MIYAMOTO: “And with the Gamecube came the most successful Mario game ever made: Super Mario Sunshine. Cutscenes showing how Mario liked seafood that detailed his character really drove interest into the game. The water pump mechanics and ‘cleaning up the city’ was a fantastic smash hit. In fact, all Mario games should be made this way. And do you know what else? Sunshine had greater 3d effects than any Mario game yet. This is why the game was so ridiculously popular.”

AONUMA: “Greater 3d effects were deployed with Wind Waker. Now the game was like a cartoon! You could see the animation of Link and his facial expressions! *Giggles* Remember that gaming is all about the character and greater 3d effects.”

MALSTROM: “But your overworld was nothing but dots of islands in a grid?

AONUMA: “Details… details… No one cares about things like ‘overworld’ or ‘combat’. What Zelda is really about is the characters which is why we had to have greater facial expressions and new art styles. Zelda is also about puzzles so we had a different flavor of puzzle for each dungeon. We even took away Link’s sword so he could do fun stealth missions! And do you know what else Zelda is really about?”

MALSTROM: “I know this one. 3D effects, right?”

AONUMA: “That is right! How the water flows or and how you move around in dungeons is extremely important. We must get those 3d effects going or else the game won’t sell!”

IWATA: “That’s right! You tell them, Aonuma-san!”

AONUMA: “And then we come to another mainline Zelda game called Four Swords. Do you know why this game didn’t sell, Malstrom?”

MALSTROM: “It is because everyone interpreted the game to be a spin-off? That it was just puzzle after puzzle with no overworld? That it gave the impression that it required four players?”

AONUMA: “No! The reasons why Four Swords didn’t sell were because of the lack of character. Link had little to no story. There was no interaction with NPCs. This is extremely important with Zelda you know. Without character, how can a game sell?”

MALSTROM: “Really?”

AONUMA: “And more important, the true reason why Four Swords didn’t sell was because of the lack of 3d effects.”

EVERYONE: “Only 3d effects sells video games! More 3d effects!”

IWATA: “What you need to understand, Malstrom, is that 3d effects are the only thing that sells video games. This is why Wind Waker was so successful. This is why the Gamecube was the best selling game console in Nintendo history.”

MIYAMOTO: “Now we come to the Wii.”

IWATA: “The Wii has been a very successful console. Do you know why?”

MALSTROM: “3d effects! I get it! I get it!”

IWATA: “The Wii was a 3d controller. Games like Wii Sports and Wii Fit sold only because of greater 3d effects. This is why the Super Mario Galaxy games sold so much hardware. And this is why Super Mario Brothers 5 bombed spectacularly. Miyamoto-san, I do not think we have enough 3d Mario on the Wii yet. Why don’t you make some more?”

MIYAMOTO: “Super Mario Galaxy 3 and 4 are already underway. Super Mario Sunshine 2 is also starting. 3D effects are the only thing that sells video games. This is why no one liked Mario until he went into 3d.”

Above: This game bombed. Without 3d effects, it couldn’t sell.

SAKAMOTO: “Metroid: Other M 2 is also underway following the massive sales success of Metroid: Other M. The sequel will have more 3d effects and more character because that is the only thing that sells video games.”

IWATA: “Excellent! Most excellent!”

Above: The best selling Metroid game ever due to 3d effects, sophisticated dialogue, and emphasis on maternal instincts.

MALSTROM: “Hmm… Let us look at the handheld line.”

MIYAMOTO: “Yes, yes, let us do so…”

Above: No one bought this thing.

IWATA: “This is the Gameboy. It was a horrendous failure. And do you know why?”

MALSTROM: “Yes. I think we all know by now.”

IWATA: “If Gameboy only had more 3d effects, it would not have been such a failure. It is why only the few 3d games on the Gameboy sold so ridiculously well such as Faceball 2000.”

Above: Everyone bought this because only 3d effects sell video games.

MALSTROM: “What about games like Zelda or Metroid II?”

AONUMA: “Zelda sold only on the Gameboy due to its 3d effects. This is why there was jumping in the game. And to the character of course.”

SAKAMOTO: “Indeed. Metroid II sold only because of its 3d effects and its characterization of Samus Aran. The ending of Samus Aran not shooting the baby Metroid should be inflated into a gigantic body of a game. Oh wait. I just made that game.”

MALSTROM: “What about Pokemon and Tetris?”

MIYAMOTO: “It is clear consumers only bought those games looking for more 3d effects. Must we explain everything to you, Malstrom?”

IWATA: “Yes. Tetris was a horrible flop which is why we had to bundle it with the hardware. No one wanted to buy the game! Tetris, being just blocks, had no 3d effects whatsoever. And there was no character!”

MIYAMOTO: “A game must have character and 3d effects in order to sell!”

IWATA: “Exactly! This is why Tetris is the biggest disaster in gaming.”

Above: This game had no 3d effects and no main character. Therefore, it had no sales.

MALSTROM: “What about the Gameboy Advance?”

IWATA: “It began to sell better because it could do more 3d effects.”

SAKAMOTO: “And games like Metroid Fusion were ridiculously popular because of the characterization and greater 3d effects.”

MALSTROM: “There were many 2d games on the Gameboy Advance. And there were many NES and SNES ports. Why did those sell? It couldn’t have been 3d effects.”

MIYAMOTO: “But it was greater 3d effects. They were greater 3d effects from the original Gameboy, of course. Remember that progress in gaming has only one road: greater 3d effects.”

IWATA: “And now we come to the DS. The DS sold incredibly well because of one reason: greater 3d effects. Mario 64, being the first 3d Mario game on a handheld, single handily destroyed the PSP and made the DS rise to heaven.”

Above: 3d effects were why the PSP couldn’t stand up to this.

MIYAMOTO: “New Super Mario Brothers didn’t sell at all. The game bombed. This is why we stopped making 2d Mario games. Only games with 3d effects sell.”

SAKAMOTO: “And this is why games like Metroid Prime Hunters sold so well that all handheld Metroid games will be like it for now on.”

AONUMA: “And Zelda on the DS focuses more on the characterization and using the hardware to differentiate the puzzles from other Zelda games (since Zelda is only about puzzles). And the addition of greater 3d effects is why Spirit Tracks kept selling out and sold around 100 million copies so far.”

IWATA: “Since the DS was successful due only to its greater 3d effects, the 3DS would be the greatest console since sliced bread. Already, we are studying Gamecube games and Virtual Boy games to see how to make games in this brave new hardware. Remember, Gamecube and Virtual Boy games were Nintendo’s best selling games. It would do us right to emulate them.”

MIYAMOTO: “And this is why a brand new, from the ground up, 3d Mario is being made for the 3DS! Never before has this happened. Just imagine how much the 3DS will sell now that it has a brand new 3d Mario for it!”

MALSTROM: “What about the people who like 2d Mario?”

MIYAMOTO: “Those backward people? We will try to push them into modern times by injecting more 3d effects into 2d Mario. 3D effects are the only thing that sells video games, as you know. This is why the 3DS will outsell the Gameboy, Gameboy Advance, and the DS. Greater 3d effects are the way to the mainstream.”

IWATA: “And now we have Kid Icarus…”

SAKURAI: “Why will Kid Icarus sell? It is because of the emphasis on character (Pit telling a boss to ‘bark like a dog’) and because of greater 3d effects. The reason why Kid Icarus wasn’t as popular as before was because of the lack of 3d effects.

MALSTROM: “And this is why Ocarina of Time and Starfox 64 are being remade for the 3DS? They are the same game but with additional 3d effects, they will perform better?”

IWATA: “Yes. 3D effects are where it is at.”

MALSTROM: “The 3DS will not be cheap. Players might have to get a second job to get one.”

IWATA: “Everyone will be so amazed over the 3d effects that sales will never stop. You now understand Nintendo, Malstrom. In fact, let me declare that the successor to the successor of the Wii will be 3d because we can never get enough 3d.”

Iwata holds up a 3DS. All the other Nintendo employees do the same.

EVERYONE: “3d effects are the only future of gaming!”



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