Posted by: seanmalstrom | August 9, 2011

Parody #15

A man notices his friend screaming at a computer monitor.

“What is the cause of your distemper, my friend? Why do you rage against your computer?”

The man points to the screen as he shakes his fist with anger. On the screen is ‘Malstrom’s News Blog’.

“Someone should lock him away! He is saying the most controversial things.

“Why, what is he saying?”

“He says that Nintendo should focus on making more customers.”

“Oh, that beast.”

“And the easiest way to do that is to get back the customers Nintendo lost! I can’t believe this! He is saying that Nintendo should make more games that were pre-N64.”


“He says that since 2d Mario sells so extremely well, Nintendo should keep making it.”

“How absurd!”

“Indeed. And then he says 3d Mario should lose its priority because it doesn’t make nearly as many customers.”


“He believes Nintendo should continue the DS and Wii philosophy. He thinks Nintendo should keep doing what works, and minimize and eliminate what doesn’t work.”

“Who does this guy think he is saying these extreme statements?”

“He believes video game business needs to incorporate the ‘business venture’ into every part of the company, specifically, the mission to create customers. He attacks every thought that goes on in someone’s head in a games company that does not revolve around ‘making customers’.”

“What a backwards man! A caveman. Someone who hasn’t fully evolved.”

“He attacks creativity because he sees it as leading people away from the mission of ‘creating customers’.”

“He should be dragged out to the middle of town and flogged.”

“You want to know what is really radical? He declares Metroid doesn’t revolve around maternal instincts.”


“Yes. He thinks Metroid should stick to what made it popular in the first place. And he thinks that what goes on in the customer’s head is the determination of the quality of the product, not what goes on in the developer’s head.”

“What a scoundrel!”

“And get this! He says Zelda should go back to its roots which he believes is a type of arcade/RPG gameplay skeleton. And he doesn’t like Aonuma’s ‘innovations’.”

“Who does this guy think he is? Transforming Zelda’s gameplay skeleton to be only three days in Majora’s Mask, turning Link into a wolf, using cell-shaded graphics to make Link look like a chibi, riding birds, replacing all controls with stylus only, and making Zelda revolve around trains- these were all very sensible innovations.”

“Yes. But the idea of looking to the classic Zelda games, the games that established the series and made it popular in the first place, as the compass to where the gameplay skeleton should go…. that is an extremely radical idea. It is not an idea worthy of the Internet and should immediately be expunged from all gaming message forums.”

“The guy is unhinged. What else does he say?”

“He believes young people should learn financial education because ‘their lives depend on it’. He even recommends financial education over an academic education!”

“Hahaha! What a fool! Trying to learn how to make money and keep it. Next thing you know, he is going to talk about space aliens!”

“The guy is nuts. Look at this. He thinks gaming is in big trouble unless there is a return to what he calls the ‘fundamentals’! Hahahaha.”


“The ‘fundamentals’, he says, are things like lovingly crafted gameplay and quality substance within the game, not gimmicks, ‘new business models’, or ‘creativity’.”

“This guy is warped.”

“Ultimately, he is very worried at what he perceives to be developers and the Game Industry accepting of continued ‘falling quality standards’ and trying to dismiss the bad sales as a need to update the business model or something else.”

“How is this man allowed to be on the Internet?”

“I don’t know. But he says the most controversial things.”



%d bloggers like this: