New Super Mario Brothers 2

So I was participating in the Diablo 3 Open Beta, like any other red blooded gamer, and everything was going well. I had my bourbon at the table and my exquisite cigar as I puffed away merrily. I was really getting into it, slamming the table, going, “You take that, Skeleton King! Yeah! Yeah!” Then, all of a sudden, Blizzard’s servers went down (and still haven’t gone back up which is why I am writing this now instead of killing more stuff).

Clearly distressed, I went to the Nearest Gaming Website to see if others had issues with the Diablo 3 servers. Clearly, others were having problems which made me feel much better. If I wasn’t allowed to kill the Skeleton King, no one should be! It was then that I saw the Nintendo news.

Kirby Collection Disc? What to think of that? Or rather, perhaps it is best not to think about it. There are some state laws that forbid too much Kirby to be one disc. I don’t think anyone actually likes Kirby except Nintendo. Who on earth buys his games? It’s not kids because parents buy the games for kids. Kirby is like the character everyone thinks someone else likes but no one does. Have you ever met a Kirby fan? I mean a fan in the likes of a Mario, Zelda, or Metroid fan. I never have. Kirby games also overlap too much on the aesthetics and mechanics. Meanwhile, 2d Mario is all unique until you get to the NSMB era where everything looks the same.

A good question is where is the Metroid disc? Secret sources tell me that the Metroid disc got cancelled after Sakamoto insisted on writing Samus’s ‘secret diary’ which was supposed to be an ‘extra’ in the disc. Perhaps we’re better off without it.

And so here it is:

The chorus of gamers all begin to talk like once: “Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap…”

Silence. Remember, this is my game. I’ll tell you everything you need to know from what limited information is available.

1) This is not a Miyamoto game.

If Miyamoto was involved to any significant degree, the game would never have been called ‘New Super Mario Brothers 2’. “But what about SMB 1, 2, and 3?” Miyamoto didn’t have the pull at the time. Once he did, Super Mario Brothers became ‘Super Mario World’ (oh, that name…). Zelda 3 became ‘Link to the Past’.

Miyamoto hates the ideas of ‘numerals’ for sequels because he hates the concept of a video game as doing the same thing but with ‘more levels’ or ‘more of the same’. “But what about Super Mario Galaxy 2?” Miyamoto makes exceptions to everything he believes, including making something the customers actually want, when it comes to 3d. 3d causes Miyamoto to lose perspective just as narratives caused Sakamoto to lose perspective.

Miyamoto also had very little involvement in the first NSMB DS game.

If Miyamoto was heavily involved, wouldn’t he have named it NSMB 3DS instead of NSMB 2?

1) (Alternatively) This could be a further example of a recent Nintendo trend of branding every software with a number.

Mario Kart 3DS turned into Mario Kart 7, for example. We may very well see NSMB Mii, for the Wii U, turn into Super Mario Brothers 4.

2) NSMB 2 instead of NSMB 3DS implies that there is little to no 3d emphasized.

If customers wanted 3d NSMB, there is already Mario in 3d Land which is exactly 3d NSMB. And 2d Mario fans would never be attracted to anything with ‘3d’ in the title anyway… its why they are 2d Mario fans in the first place.

A NSMB 3DS title would imply that it is the original NSMB game but made in 3d. The ‘2’ is emphasizing it is a new game. The title is saying, “Buy this brand new because it is a new New Super Mario Brothers game” (who knew!?) while a NSMB 3DS would be saying, “Buy this because it says 3DS meaning it can be played in OMG 3d.”

3) This game was made because the business side of Nintendo demanded it over the objections of the creative side.

“How did you figure that out from just the title screen?”

By its announcement. A NSMB 2 was first hinted at a business conference and is actually unveiled at a business conference. Why not wait until E3 where game announcements are supposed to be made? The original NSMB was announced at E3 2005. Why is NSMB 2 being unveiled at a business meeting no one but Malstrom and investors watch?

The question answers itself.

Now we move on to exhibit number two. Sir, present us the photo.

4) NSMB 2 is taking a nod to Super Mario Brothers 3.

Not only is it the raccoon tail but Mario can actually fly. SMB 3’s accelerometer is shown at the bottom complete with the P-wing so P-wings will be back. We can also see the tiled blocks (like that white block you went behind in 1-3) shown. This photo also must be 1-1 or very near the beginning due to Peach’s castle being shown.

The question is whether this SMB 3 nod extends throughout the game or is it just a gimmick introduced in a few levels?

5) NSMB 2 has a lower production budget than any other 2d Mario game ever made.

SMB – “Wow, look at the blue sky and what we can do with the graphics!”
SMB 2 (Doki Doki Panic) – “Wow, it’s so varied and different, it looks like it belonged to a non-Mario game!”
SMB 3 – “Wow, look at what we can do with 8-bit graphic engines!”
SMB 4 – “Wow, look at what we can now do with a 16-bit engine!”
NSMB DS – “Wow, look at how we are trying to recreate sprite 2d-Mario using modern 3d graphics.”
SMB 5 – “Wow, imagine if this game had Galaxy’s production budget.”
NSMB 2 – “Wow, is this a rom hack of NSMB DS?”

The reason why so many gamers are getting upset is that everyone senses the lack of ambition with this game. The gameplay is probably great but look at how it is being served. It is like serving a four score dinner in a hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Part of the experience of a four score dinner is the restaurant experience. (Ironically, 3d Mario is the opposite where everyone thinks the meal is great because the restaurant looks nice and has wonderful atmosphere even though no one likes the food.)

The reason for the lack of ambition with NSMB 2 could be due to one or multiple reasons of…

A) Nintendo’s creative side didn’t want to do it. Therefore, it looks uninteresting.

B) 3DS sales were in big trouble so this game was rushed in development.

C) NSMB (both of them) are the best selling modern Nintendo games ever outside Wii Sports and Nintendo didn’t want to ‘mess it up’ by fixing something that was already selling. For all we know, this could have been the better approach since Nintendo developers are kooky and may have wanted cell-shaded art style or something else looney toons.

Let us see exhibit number two please.

There is no information in that photo. What the hell? The best I can come up with is that it shows there is a Desert World and Mario is inside a pyramid.

Show us exhibit three.

This image could have come from NSMB Wii. It is just an ice world. Perhaps World 3?

Forest World? World 4? The climbing of Super Mario World is back.

No other information appears to be presented.

The release of this game (meaning when it started development) and that it is shown off to the business side first reveals this is the Mario game the business side wants… not the 3d Marios. The Kirby disc is such a money grab. Even I could put roms on a Wii disc.

Now, it is time to see if the Diablo 3 servers are back up.

Update: Damn!