Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 1, 2014

Hate Mail: Why your blog gets attacked

There is this one guy who does nothing but send hate emails to me. He types a ton too which is funny. I also get hate tweets on Twitter. It is amazing how much power I have over these people. They give me the power to annoy them, and I have no idea who they are! hahaha

Here is the latest hate mail from my blog’s favorite fan!

You wanna know why your blog really gets attacked? It’s because your goddamn self-absorbed, self-righteous, concieted cunt who thinks his own damn opinion should be absolute fact. That and you don’t know what you’re talking about half the time.

This is one of the first images of SMB. Note how scary Bowser is and how heroic Mario is. Look! Mario has a FIST. A FIST! This guy isn’t effeminate at all. He’s kicking ass. And he certainly is not wearing a Cat suit.

This is you being blinded by nostalgia again. No, Bowser does not look scary nor is more any less “heroic” than today. Everything’s a damn cartoon! Stop trying to brainwash your readers with your half-assed hidden subtext that isn’t fucking there!

Ever since 2008, I’ve been harboring a theory that Nintendo hates what built modern Nintendo. They dislike NES Era. We know Miyamoto hates Super Mario Brothers 3. We know Aonuma hates Legend of Zelda. We know Sakamoto hates Metroid as we know it. It seems like the N64 Era to them was a transition from the ‘hell years’ and Gamecube Era was What Things Are Supposed To Be. Zelda is always supposed to be like Wind Waker. Mario is always supposed to be like Sunshine. Pikmin is supposed to popular. Thank God for Retro and Metroid Prime as Retro were actual fans of Super Metroid, Metroid, and Metroid II gameplay (unlike Sakamoto).

Okay now you’re just making shit up out of nowhere. If there are interviews supporting what you’re saying, then you’re likely hearing only what you want to hear. And I’m getting goddamned sick of you saying the Gamecube was garbage simply because it didn’t sell well. Try playing some of it’s games some time. I’ve been over this with you: the Gamecube didn’t sell because it lacked steady online support. Do not preach to me about how you asked your nonexistent friends if they actually liked the Gamecube or any stupid ass auteur elitist who has no right to call himself a gamer who kissed your ass and agreed with you. If it wasn’t the lack of online, it was also trying to work with the tiny disks. Stop pretending that a company needs to revolve around you and you alone and dressing it up like you’re speaking for everyone, because you’re not.

Look at 3d. 3d has always failed with Nintendo.

No it hasn’t.

Is all this GC controller nonsense about Smash or something more?

YES IT IS ABOUT SMASH!

So is the Wii U Pro controller. If the Pro Controller is not good enough for Smash and needs additional hardware, why not for the 3DS version as well?”

The Pro Controller is wireless and wireless controllers are not allowed in competitive fighting game tournaments which is what Nintendo is trying to appeal to with Smash 4. Given how many of these people make up the fighting game community, that’s a smart thing to do. These people will likely rely solely on the WiiU version instead. The 3DS version is designed for gaming on the go during lunch breaks for the working class anyway, like say, oh I don’t know, EVERY PORTABLE GAME OUT THERE?! First your notion that Nintendo forced Sakurai to put the Other M stage in Smash 4, (they didn’t. Sakurai just takes from whatever was most recent at the time he starts developing) and now this. Take the fucking tin foil hat off because there’s no goddamn conspiracy at Nintendo!

“What would gaming media be like? It would be run by anarchists!” No. It would be sites like Malstrom being the voice of gaming instead of IGN, Gamespot, gaming message forums, etc. It would be people who are GIVING instead of people who are trying to fund their nerd-zilla gaming lifestyle.

Not it would be even worse because it would be run by pretentious, elitist self-righteous propaganda ministers, auteur cunts who will claim anything as shit for the stupidest, most pretentious reasons, and conspiracy theorists. So yeah, it would be fucking anarchy because every game would be made to please one and only one person and no one else would buy them. You are not giving anyone but yourself anything you stupid selfish cunt. Video game websites should stop being bribed, not disappear completely. We need journalism and reviews more than ever in this age where video rental stores have gone extinct and there’s no creditable alternative.

Sooner or later, everyone will agree with Malstrom.

And with that, you just proved that you don’t care about anyone but yourself and want the industry to revolve around you. Drop dead. The industry needs less people like you. In fact, the world itself needs less people like you. If there is a God, someone will hack your blog and delete it and make it so you never say anything on the internet ever again.

Burn in hell.

People like the above are literally insane. Gamecube failed because of lack of online? It did have Phantasy Star Online.

I actually own nearly all the Gamecube’s greatest hit games. I own the Metroid Primes, F-Zero GX, Smash brothers Melee, Mario Kart Double Dash, Donkey Konga, Donkey Kong Bongo Adventure whatever game, Wave Race, Monkey Ball, Fire Emblem, Resident Evil 4, Paper Mario 2, Ikaruga and I even own freaking Wind Waker (because I can’t sell it used. No one will take it!). I even owned Sunshine, Viewtiful Joe, and several other games that I sold. I’m extremely familiar with the Gamecube game since I have owned or owned at a time nearly all of its (worthwhile games).

The games are crappy. THAT is why the Gamecube didn’t sell. Mario Kart DD is fantastic in multiplayer. It even has Bob-omb blast! Smash Brothers Melee is also fantastic. I liked Metroid Prime and Monkey Ball (Ikaruga is just a Dreamcast port). But the Mario game SUCKS BIG TIME. Sunshine is terrible. Wind Waker is terrible too. Gamecube has some great multiplayer games, but its single player games suck. Gamecube has an extremely limited amount of RPGs and single player adventure games (Starfox Adventure SUCKS BIG TIME).

The reason why the Gamecube didn’t sell is because the games were low quality. The reason why the Wii U isn’t selling is also because the games are low quality. The SOFTWARE sells the HARDWARE.

Now why did the Wii sell? We know why it sold. It sold due to Wii Sports and Wii Fit. It sold due to NSMB and Mario Kart Wii. It DID NOT sell due to Smash Brothers Brawl. It DID NOT sell due to Aonuma’s crappy Zeldas. It DID NOT sell due to the Mario Galaxies. Only a niche consumer is buying the hardware for that type of Mario and Zelda.

What is worse is that these games keep getting more and more expensive to make. Mario Kart is worth the cost. But is 3d Mario? No one is buying the hardware to get to 3d Mario. And what about Zelda? No one is buying the hardware to get to Zelda. So why is Nintendo even making these games anymore? The only purpose of first party games is to sell the hardware. If the first party games are not moving the hardware, then what the heck is the point?

It is so easy to see why the Wii U is not selling. It is the BAD SOFTWARE that is causing the non-sales. Pikmin 3 is BAD SOFTWARE because it is not selling the hardware. Mario in 3d World is BAD SOFTWARE because it is not moving units. Miyamoto actually told investors that the Wii U software is ‘good’ and ‘high quality’. Miyamoto is not who determines what software is ‘good quality’. It is I, the Malstrom, who determines what software is ‘good quality’. It is because I am a consumer. I am the market. And you, the beautiful readers, are the market as well. It is we, not the game designers, who are the judges on what games are good and which ones are not. Our judgement comes in the form of money when we buy the game.

With E3 here, I figure readers would enjoy some hate mail. Like our dear friend, the emailer, everyone explains the success of a Nintendo console is due to ‘quality games’. However, if the console sells poorly, everyone is quick to find out some other reason. “It cannot be the games. I like the games. Therefore, it has to be something else.” Just because you like the games doesn’t mean everyone else does. Sales show that people liking the Wii U games are niche. The interest that makes the Nintendo console sell is not found in the ever-present Nintendo fan but in one Sean Malstrom (and those who think like him). The NES/Gameboy and Wii/DS all share a common philosophy. It is one that Nintendo abandoned for the Wii U/3DS. Perhaps Nintendo should return to it and stop destroying the company with making games no one wants to buy. The world does not need more Pikmin or even 3d Mario. And we have had enough Aonuma Zelda for a century. It’s time for a REAL Zelda game.

My official response to the emailer is found below:

 

 

 


Categories

%d bloggers like this: