Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 10, 2014

Nintendo E3

My real-time reactions can be found in the twitter feed. I disliked the ‘skits’ Nintendo execs and puppets did. I could do without that. The classy Wii 2006 E3 is how I prefer it. I’d like to think the E3 show is the one time where they don’t clown around and make me feel like five years old for wanting to learn about what video games are coming.

For the legend below, the thumbs up and thumbs down of Caesar is how the market will look at the product. I’ll throw in my own personal consumer reaction using the Magic Mushroom and Poison Mushroom.

 Game will be market success.

 Game will not be market success.

 Malstrom personally likes this game.

 Malstrom personally hates this game.



Super Smash Brothers Wii U/3DS/Etc.

The new Smash Brothers will sell but only to the Nintendo audience. This is not a game that is going to make people buy the Wii U. I think the Nintendo fan already has a Wii U by now.

I bought Melee (which I liked) and Brawl (which I barely played). I’m going skip this Smash Brothers even though I respect the series more after banging my head in Mortal Kombat 9 and Street Fighter IV. To those who buy it and play it forever, wonderful. But to someone like me, this game gets old after a couple of hours. Although, Melee kept my interest more somehow.

I don’t care for the Mii fighters in Smash. Throwing in Miis into Smash is like throwing in the 1960s Batman into a modern Batman game (or into M.A.S.H.). It’s absurd and breaks the cohesion. Smash does have universe cohesion in that it is Nintendo fictional escapism. We really need an option to disable Miis when playing.



I already DESPISE these things, these ‘amoebas’, these Amiibos. Skylanders is a child’s game after all. What does Amiibo have to do with being inclusive to ages 5-95?

Nintendo is really shitting their franchises by forcing these ‘new business models’. Game companies made the same mistake last generation when they went to HD. Did Nintendo learn from it? No. They just think they are so brilliant, so smart, that only they can do it correctly.

2d Mario – Messed up because they want to introduce DLC.

Starfox – Messed up because it is Episodic Based.

Wii Sports Wii U – Messed up because it is digital and split into buying each sport separately or subscription. Really? Subscription for Wii Sports!!!??????

Smash – Messed up with Amiibos.

Notice the absence of ‘new business models’ in games like 3d Mario, Pikmin 3, Zelda: Even More Wind Waker, and so on. The games Nintendo likes, they don’t touch even though they would be better suited for those ‘new business models’. However, the games Nintendo doesn’t like, they try to jam a stupid new ‘business model’ in it. A cynical person might think they are deliberately sabotaging sales for games they don’t want to make so they can say, “See? No one bought it. So we shouldn’t make it anymore. LOL!”

View image on Twitter

Above: Evil!

Amiibos need to die in fire. Adults are not going to be buying little figurines. This is TOTALLY ANTI-WII mentality going on with it.


Yoshi’s Wooly World


This game is remarkable in how boring it is. But it looks like a solid 2d platformer which is always a win for me. The game being co-op is very, very cool. Good game to play with spouse.

Market wise, Yoshi game isn’t going to sell.Even the original Yoshi’s Island wasn’t that major of a blockbuster. The yarn aesthetic will likely turn more people away than attract.


Captain Toad

This is Super Mario Galaxy 3 But With Puzzles. I guarantee you there will be huge emphasis on puzzle solving. Nintendo had Mario lighting four torches to open something up before in Mario Galaxy and was almost crossing the line. With Captain Toad, they get to vomit 3d puzzles everywhere.

Mario Galaxy games didn’t sell, why would this? This game was made purely for selfish reasons. Total and absolute fail.


PS- The hardcore will think it is ‘the best game EVAH’. Toad deserves better than being in a crappy 3d puzzle game. I prefer ‘super strong Toad’ from Super Mario Brothers 2 instead. That is the REAL Toad!

Above: Real Toad.


Hyrule Warriors

This game has me super intrigued. Link running around killing armies is how Zelda used to be. A more action orientated Zelda could be very refreshing. I do worry if Aonuma will throw in puzzles just because he’s an asshole.

The problem with this game is that it is actually a Dynasty Warriors game. Does Dynasty Warriors ever sell? If it did, it certainly wouldn’t be using the Zelda IP.

However, I’m going to check it out. I really need to see Link use his sword for something other than solving a dumbass puzzle as if he got stuck in a lame ass PC adventure game.



This game is a HUGE breath of fresh air. New IP which Nintendo desperately needs and a multiplayer shooter which Nintendo needs.

I want to hear much more about this game. It has sky-high potential. I’ll give it a yay for now.


Bayonetta 2

Who cares? Bayonetta 1 didn’t really sell, why would this? Visually, the game looks interesting, but I’m not feeling it personally.


Mario Maker


This game reminds me more of Mario Paint for some reason. User Generated Content is a death sentence and this game will NOT sell. Being a 2d Mario fan, of course, I would pick it up.

What is extremely worrying is that Nintendo can just trot this out and say there is no reason to make 2d Mario games since we ‘can make our own’.

The editor should be included with the Mario game instead of being sold separately. Look at precedent of Lode Runner and Minecraft’s ‘creative mode’ or even Wrecking Crew. Hell, look at Starcraft or Warcraft 2 and 3. Editors by themselves are bad. With a game, they have value because everyone knows how the game should be played.


Xenoblade Chronicles

I have no idea what is going in with that game. Doesn’t matter. No one is going to buy it anyway.


Zelda Wii U


Every Zelda game, Aonuma says the same shit. “We are going back to the series roots [shows footage of original NES Zelda without mentioning Aonuma has publicly declared how much he hated the game] and doing X.” The X this time is ‘Open World’. However, it is not ‘Open World’ because it is ‘Puzzles!’. The ‘Open World’ concept is a RPG concept. Zelda used to be a RPG. When Aonuma got involved, he turned Zelda into a crappy PC adventure game where it focuses on ‘story’ and ‘puzzles’. Classic Zelda is about combining ‘arcade action’ and ‘computer RPG’. Aonuma is unable to play any arcade game (seriously, he can’t even play Pac-man) and the RPG aspects scare him.

Deliberately, no gameplay was really shown.

As expected, Nintendo did the crappy anime style for Zelda.

There was something shown that was not said which SCREAMS how bad this game is going to be. Link doesn’t have a sword.

Fuck you, Aonuma!!!!




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