Posted by: seanmalstrom | November 27, 2014

email: scamiibo

Hey Sean,

you’re spot on with the viral marketers about amiibo. And they go quite into extremes, if you’re against amiibo, it’s funny. So far I completely ignored the amiibo thing. They didn’t seem to add anything to the games and I just want to play video games, not collect figurines. But I do own a Wii U and my favorite game right now is Hyrule Warriors, which is a lot of fun and keeps me playing. It’s the perfect game after a day of hard work and you can put tons of hours into it, so I really only need this one game right now. The new Smash doesn’t interest me as much, because it seems to be the same old. Don’t know why people are so excited about this, but that’s a different story…

Now they announced that the (ugly) Link amiibo unlockes a new weapon in Hyrule Warriors. A new weapon is a completely different way of playing the game, a new experience, so that’s not content anymore, which you can easily ignore, like a stronger CPU or some silly costumes. Of course I want that new weapon, but I don’t want to buy an amiibo, which is a conflict of interest. And all Nintendo does here is locking DLC behind a figurine. They won’t offer the weapon as separate DLC, you can only get it with amiibo. They’re trying to scam you into buying figurines in order to get the content, you want. What’s even the point of having downloadable(!) content, if you now need a physical key to unlock it?

So, naturally I wasn’t happy about the situation and tried to express my concerns about those “scamiibo” on a message board. Big mistake. The viral marketers and angry fanboys went all crazy over me. Their main argument was that the scamiibo will keep unlocking content in future games. But I don’t care about potential use in the future, I only care about Hyrule Warriors right now and spending 15€ on a figurine to get one weapon in a game is certainly not reasonable, especially if I don’t want said figurine. They even called me a poor person, because “why wouldn’t someone want to buy amiibo…?” I could buy them all, if I wanted to, but I don’t. That’s the whole point. I don’t want to buy figurines to get video game content.

And if Nintendo keeps locking content behind scamiibo, they will lose another costumer. They already lost 90% of their costumers over the Wii U, so what’s one more? It’s even the same principle, just on smaller scale. They keep forcing the Wii U GamePad on their costumers, without even using it in their current games. None of the big Nintendo titles this year utilized the GamePad in a meaningful way. But you still have to buy and use the GamePad to play their games. I happen to like the GamePad, because I have quite large hands, so the GamePad is really comfortable for me and I enjoy playing with it. It’s the entire opposite of the tiny 3DS. But if I have to buy figurines to get video game content, I’m out…


Attention Emailer,

This blog has been hijacked by me…. the wondrous Aonuma. Malstrom is not in right now. You must talk to me.

You are not allowed to like Hyrule Warriors the way you do. Remember, Zelda is only about puzzles. It is not about combat or killing things. Do you see the Zelda behind me? This is what Zelda is. Everything before this Zelda was just a complete and utter mess. And don’t tell me you didn’t like it! I will keep re-releasing it again and again until I MAKE people like it! (That original Zelda I talk so much about? Fuck it. It doesn’t need an All-Stars treatment. Let’s pretend it doesn’t exist and has never existed. Remember, Zelda only began with Wind Waker. Time for more puzzles!)

You are very foolish for not wanting to buy the Amiibos. Did you see the Link Amiibo? Do you like how his stand is pure gold? Some people say it is a urine color pole coming out of his rear, but these people do not know art like I know art. You will buy the Amiibo, and you will like it, emailer!

Do you really think Amiibos will stop with the game characters? Ohhhh no! We, the blessed Game Gods, will turn OURSELVES into Amiibos! Shigeru Miyamoto will BECOME an Amiibo! And so will I, the Blessed Aonuma, will become a figure you can place in your house. I expect people to turn their Amiibo Shrines into Game Developer Action Figure Shrines when the time comes. Oh, I am so brilliant!

Goodbye Emailer. Sell your Hyrule Warriors and get the Wind Waker Remastered edition instead. It is time you play Zelda the CORRECT way… which is conveniently my way! Hahahahahhahahahahaha

-<3 Aonuma



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