Posted by: seanmalstrom | November 16, 2015

Blizzard needs to fire their writers

See this video? This is how it sums up the experience of playing Starcraft 2:

 

This NASCAR crash video is strangely far more entertaining than it has any right to be, but Starcraft 2 is, in its entirety, a big fucking multi-car crash like in this video. Starcraft 2 is SO BAD that it is MORE ENTERTAINING examining the crash than actually playing the fucking game.

“But Malstrom,” you say, “Starcraft 1 didn’t have a great story either. It was good then because you were younger then.”

No, I was old then too. I’d say Vanilla Starcraft was pretty awful in spots especially with the lame Protoss and Tassadar. What was cool was Brood War. Here’s how it went:

Starcraft 1 Vanilla:

Terran – Help Arcturus overthrow Confederacy, by using the Zerg to do it, and establish Terran Dominion. Sarah Kerrigan gets captured.

Above: I forgot how political Starcraft was. This is a VERY GOOD video, good speech writing, and brilliant use of imagery and sound filtration when heard by the Zerg or Protoss.

Zerg- Kerrigan is reborn as Queen of Blades. Kill bunch of stuff as Zerg. Invade Aiur.

Above: Creepily silent but shows Zerg’s victory over Aiur. Well done.

Protoss- Deal with Zerg invasion of Aiur. Tassadar kills himself to take out Overmind. Roll Credits.

Above: This ending sucks, but at least it is more than how Starcraft 2 ended.

Story was lame. But it was all fresh. Now look at Brood War:

Protoss – Escape to Shakuras. Use Xel-Naga Temple to cleanse Shakuras of Zerg.

Above: This is a nicely done ending. I really like the use of sound in this one especially when it cuts out for the explosion and the ‘ding’ zoom in with Artansis’s surprised face. Note how Artanis emotes more emotion in this scene than the entirety of Starcraft 2’s campaigns. The Protoss in Starcraft 2 just stand around with glowy eyes.

Terran – Fleet from Earth arrives (!) and has Duran (Narud).

Above: Clearly inspired from Starship Troopers. The video is tongue in cheek, but it is important to remember FACTION PERSPECTIVE. This is from the UED’s perspective. In Starcraft 2, there is no more Faction Perspective, just some random ass characters going EMO between missions.

Zerg – Kerrigan kicks everyone’s ass.

Above: We have TWO endings here. We have Kerrigan arising as Queen of Blades. OK. But what is more interesting is with the UED fleet. We witness something that we never see in video games: tragedy. (I will explain what tragedy is because Blizzard writers have no fucking clue.) The UED commander commits suicide after talking about how his pride consumed him.

Definition of a Tragedy: A tragedy is not ‘bad stuff happens’ and ‘people die’. If a cute girl in pigtails walks in the middle of a road and gets killed by a car, that is not a tragedy. What creates the tragedy is when the mother cries out as her own mistake of not watching the girl and blames herself. THAT is the tragedy. In the Brood War ending, the UED facing defeat was not the tragedy. It was the commander expressing how pride killed him, Stukov, and the mission. THAT is the tragedy. Starcraft 2 doesn’t even approach this level. The two closest times is in Wings of Liberty when Tychus says he made a ‘deal with the devil’ and has to kill Kerrigan. But Tychus has no choice as his suit is a bomb to him. The other is Artanis in Zeratul’s ‘prophecy’ bemoaning that they killed Kerrigan and, thus, allowed Amon to win. “How could we have known!?” But Artanis could not have known so there was no tragedy. In fact, no one makes choices at all in Starcraft 2. The Xel-Naga is the puppet master tricking everyone with prophecies . LAME.

Yes, I have completed all of Starcraft 2. Now that it is all done, we can judge the three campaigns. The story sucks. It really, really sucks. It really shows how uneducated the people at Blizzard are. Do these people read anything other than comic books? Are they capable of reading at all? And why didn’t the Strike Teams catch this shit?

Some notes I wrote in the midst of playing:

—SPOILERS AHEAD—

-Aiur-

LOL to the Zerg rampaging across the cosmos in the last two parts. Let’s just go attack Aiur now.
Oh shazam! Zeratul appears from nowhere! And Zeratul, instead of being a badass, just goes on making looney prophecies.

The reminder that Zeratul accidently revealed the location of Aiur to the Zerg is good. Otherwise, I thought Aiur invasion was cringeworthy especially at the end. OMG, hydrids coming all over the place. Oh, Zeratul, you were so right!

Oh no! Protoss going nuts! Zeratul doesn’t ‘free’ Artanis, Zeratul is removed from the stage because what other point is there? This is the end, so why does the game need prophecy maker? Babylon 5 this is not where the prophecy seers had to live through their prophecies.

-Terran Land-

Raynor, give us the keystone (MAGICAL ARTIFACTS).
Raynor: “OK.” LOL.
I love how Mobius Foundation, a bunch of scientists, are able to overtake the military. WTF type of story is this?
-Shakuras-

Artanis, you are now Dark Templar. GAG ME.
“Zerg cannot have Shakuras. I know. Let us BLOW IT UP!” WTF? What is this, a Star Trek reboot? And how does any of this hurt Amon whose armies are endless?
And what happened with the Xel Naga Temple? I know the two crystals from Brood War are mentioned but that was just a lamppost to keep fans from freaking out that the fucking Xel Naga Temple doesn’t do shit without the two crystals (which were not present). So how’d it blow up? Xel Naga Temple, in Brood War, destroyed the Zerg without destroying the planet. Why not do the same? This story is so damn dumb.
-Glacius-

Now, let us go to an ancient Protoss place that no one goes to. Oh, hi crazy enemy Protoss.
Fenix is back! This should be very easy to do, but they completely fucked it up. How do you fuck up Fenix? Yet, Blizzard managed to do so. Fenix is a ‘copy’ of his personality stuck in a robot. I AM NOT JOKING. Worse, the mission after you primarily play with the ‘phoenix’ plane units.
And this is one of my favorite lines from this expansion: Artanis: “Fenix, you appear to be troubled?” How does a fucking robot ‘appear’ troubled? Stupid Blizzard writers.
Artanis: “I must do this alone!” Fuck you, Artanis!

-Alarak-

Alarak is awesome because he is voiced by Q (deLancie) and that he doesn’t act like a faggy Protoss. I’m sorry, but words cannot express this. The Protoss are just too damn lame. It’s like they are all saints or something. Alarak is the only interesting character in the entire campaign. I’m serious!

-Aiur-

“Quick! Everyone cut your hair!”

-Epilogue-

This is so awful, so terrible, I cannot express how bad it is. Apparently, a Xel-Naga was behind the prophecies and was puppet master to our heroes the entire game. Kerrigan then needs to consume the Xel-Naga to gain its power and then kill Amon. Kerrigan becomes an Angel of Light, a type of Starchild. She apparently takes Raynor at the end.

Blizzard has no understanding of why people liked Starcraft lore. There were no flaws in the Starcraft 2’s aural and visual art. The flaws were in the story. I hear the Blizzard president loves Star Trek. He must realize that Star Trek became super lame at the end before its death because the writing got very weak. This is where Blizzard is at now. Starcraft might have been Star Trek or TNG (or my preference: DS9), but Starcraft 2 is clearly a Voyager in lameness at beginning but at the end we get the terrible Enterprise. All the writers need to be fired.

And where were the Protoss heroes from the last mission in Zeratul’s prophecy in Wings of Liberty (in the last mission)? What happened to Earth? Nothing fucking makes sense.

Did Artanis speech right at the final battle really preach about diversity and ‘uniting as one’? RTS games thrive on faction perspectives. In Starcraft 2, there is no faction perspectives because there are no factions. There is Everyone Versus Amon. Oh, and everything is done for FREEDOM. The writers think they are so clever, but the concept of freedom is submitting oneself to nature or human nature (hence ‘natural rights’). Kerrigan stopped the cycle for FREEEEEEEEEEDOM! But wasn’t that what Amon was doing? Did Kerrigan do what Amon was doing? WTF!? The story is too awful!

Blizzard needs to die.


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