Posted by: seanmalstrom | October 27, 2016

Email: Nintendo possibly venturing into e-sports

I don’t recall you showing much interest in esports type events in the past (IIRC you said you were bored throughout most of NWC ’15), so I was wondering what your thoughts are on Nintendo possibly investing more in competitive gaming and events: https://pvplive.net/c/nintendo-investing-into-esports-platforms

 

These stories I read… I can only laugh. I read ‘Nintendo possibly venturing into e-sports’. So ridiculous.

Folks, there is a reason why fate or destiny or whatever made me a Malstrom and have me make this site. It is to puncture holes in these Alternate Universes that keep appearing from Hardcore Gamerz.

The Alternate Universe is that there is thing called ‘E-Sports’ where gamers compete for prizes, money, and fame, and it has NEVER APPEARED BEFORE except recently. Nintendo, being a derpy casual company, is beginning to explore this wonderful world of E-sports and may begin to participate.

There are people out there who actually believe that. There are JOURNALISTS out there who actually believe that. The Hardcorez Gamerz, of course, all believe that as they tend to be caught in their psychosis.

The ACTUAL Universe is that Nintendo invented E-Sports.

Image result for nes 1992 championship cartridge

Above: This is the most expensive video game ever.

Nintendo was throwing championships and world championships in the 1980s and 1990s.

One of the big features of Nintendo Power was high scores. Did you know that Cliff Blezsinski, who would later direct Unreal Tournament and Gears of War, was in teh first issue of Nintendo Power with the top score for Super Mario Brothers? It’s true! Did you know that Woz, co-founder of Apple, had high scores for Tetris and kept sending them by fake names?


Nintendo even DRAMATIZED E-SPORTS INTO A MOVIE CALLED THE WIZARD. Remember ‘Video Armageddon’? Remember ‘I love the Power Glove, it’s so bad.’

 

EVEN LAST YEAR Nintendo held a World Championships. There is Reggie up there playing. Yet, we read fucking ridiculous stories asking ‘Is Nintendo going to wade into E-Sports?’

I think the reason why I have done this site so long is I still haven’t figured out how people can keep being SO STUPID. When Wii launched, it was clear the data of past generations showed that ‘powerful hardware’ never translated to console sales. Yet, we had analysts with tons of graphcs, hardcorez gamerz going retard rodeo on their gaming message forums, and reporters who never, ever bothered to look at ACTUAL DATA for their questions.

I’m not the smartest guy, but there is so much STUPID out there that I feel like a genius. Seeing journalists ask ‘is Nintendo going to get into E-Sports’ is profoundly dumb and idiotic that it is like asking if Nintendo is going to get into video games. THEY ARE ALREADY IN, DUMBASSES.

Maybe I should feel like Christopher Columbus and attempt to chart this Alternate Reality of the Hardcore. In this bizarre Alternate Reality, even when Nintendo makes hardware that is ‘more powerful’ than competition, say the Gamecube, it somehow transforms into something else! The only time Nintendo is praised in this Alternate Reality of Hardly-core is with disastrous consoles such as “the Gamecube was awesome! the N64 was awesome! But man, that virtual Boy was REALLY awesome! And Wii U is best console ever! But the Wii sucked. The NES sucked. The SNES sucked. DS and Gameboy lines all sucked.” Everything that SELLS, sucks. Everything that doesn’t sell, is ‘amazing’. It’s a marketing strategy that praises a competitor’s failures and hopes the competitor keeps making those failures.

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