Posted by: seanmalstrom | November 12, 2016

NES Mini is the Hot Gift for the Holidays

I have received another call from a BIG retailer store saying, “All we do is answer the phone to answer the question, ‘Do you have any NES Minis?’ We do not. We got one in today. It was gone when the store opened.”

On Ebay, NES minis are going for HUNDREDS of dollars (from its original $60 price).

Here is our theme for Nintendo when they do well: Into the Jungle (from the Nintendo ON trailer).

 

The NES is MY console. So glorious is this news that I am holding a press conference.

*The press gaggle up around Malstrom at his magnificent podium.*

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I am please to announce that what is hot for Christmas 2016 is the same thing that was hot for Christmas 1986. Thirty years… the same product. This, beyond all, should tell us that video games can surpass their generations. Good games sell forever.

*The press scribbles furiously to write down every word Master Malstrom says.*

Nintendo Ad 1988

Above: “You’ll Never Outgrow Us!” More like you’ll never outgrow the NES. Just think! By this pattern, the NEW! NES Mini will be the hot Christmas gift in 2046!

And we all know why the NES Mini is selling like hotcakes. It is because the NES brought to the masses 3d gaming!

*The press is silent. Quietly, a hand is slowly raised. Master Malstrom calls on the journalist.*

“But Master Malstrom… the NES was not about 3d gaming.”

What! How can that be?? We have been told by Shigeru Miyamoto and the rest of the Nintendo best and brightest that all gaming must be 3d gaming, and that gaming must strive to be virtual reality too. Are you telling me the NES was not doing that?

“It was not.”

You are saying… the NES Mini is full of… 2d games!?

“Yes.”

This must be in error. Miyamoto tells us that no one wants these old 2d games. Well, maybe the NES Mini is selling because of all those 3d Marios on it.

“But Master Malstrom, all those Mario games are 2d Mario. There is no 3d Mario on the NES.”

What! No way! How can this be??? Then how is the NES Mini selling? It must be the genius of Aonuma Zeldas. Everyone wants to solve puzzles and talk to NPCs. This is what Zelda is about as Aonuma has taught us.

“No, Master Mastrom. The Zelda games on the NES Mini are pre-Aonuma. Aonuma had nothing to do with them.”

Nooooo! Well, we know that Zelda 2 cannot be among those Zelda games included in the NES Mini. Miyamoto and Nintendo tells us that Zelda 2 is the ‘black sheep of the Zelda family’, that no one likes it, and that if Zelda 2 ever makes an appearance, the gamer would be so emotionally scarred that he or she would run away in fear.

“Master Malstrom…” one journalist begins…

The other picks it up… “NES Mini has Zelda 2.”

What!!! Then how is this NES Mini selling? I know! It has Sakamoto’s maternal instincts Metroid. Samus goes and explores her feelings about the Metroids. After all, Metroid isn’t an android-type game where you run around corridors in a vast maze, with challenging combat, in a creepy atmosphere with no dialogue, right?

“Only the original Metroid is in the NES Mini.”

My goodness! The things you tell me, journalists, are absurd. What is next? Are you going to tell me there is a SHMUP on that system?

“Yes. Gradius.”

Oh no! But all the games are cute and fluffy, right? Nintendo tells us that any other types of games scares people and does not allow the 5-90 age demographic Nintendo wants their consoles to be at.

“Several Castlevania games are on the system.”

Noooooo….. Well, all the games on the NES Mini are really easy, right? There are no hard games because Nintendo tells us gamers do not like those.

“There is Ghosts and Goblins. There is Kid Icarus.”

But there are no macho games, right? Games of testosterone? Those games might scare the women.

“There is the Contra sequel of Super C. There is also Double Dragon 2.”

So let me get this straight. You are telling me that the NES Mini represents the OPPOSITE philosophy of today’s Nintendo. And yet, the NES Mini remains sold out while the Wii U and 3DS struggle to sell?

“Yes.”

You are telling me that customers find 2d Mario more interesting than 3d Mario.

“Yes.”

…that Aonuma-free Zelda is more interesting that puzzle Zelda?

“Yes.”

… that hard games, macho games, even shmups, are still interesting and fun despite being 30 years old?

“This is what we are saying.”

Then why is Nintendo pursuing their current philosophy for software?

*silence*

You guys cannot answer that, can you? But I can answer it. Characters like Miyamoto actually believe he is a genius, that when he takes off his socks, his feet do not stink but smell like perfume. If they think 3d Mario, Aonuma Zelda, and ‘maternal instincts’ Metroid are the greatest things ever, then they would ignore all data that says otherwise. We are stupid plebs. We need instructional DVDs for us poor plebs to understand Miyamoto’s ‘genius’ of 3d gaming.

Wait! There is Pikmin on the NES Mini, isn’t there?

“There is no Pikmin.”

This makes no sense! Miyamoto keeps making more Pikmin because he keeps telling us how ‘great’ the game is and how we all ‘really want it’. Nothing makes sense here. Something must be done!

Above: The antithesis of modern Nintendo

Due to these extraordinary events, the Board of Advisers was assembled at Nintendo headquarters in Kyoto, Japan. There, a brave, brave, oh so brave soul confronted Miyamoto about his ‘sick, sick 3d religion’. How did The Miyamoto respond? Our cameras were there to show you this WORLD EXCLUSIVE:

 

Above: No one may question the ‘religion’ of Virtual Reality and Manifest 3d Destiny inside Nintendo and live to tell about it.

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