Above: The AAA Gravy Train
How are you, gentlemen! We have commandeered the Malstrom site to bring you an important message from the Game Industry. We are here to educate you on the Switch and its games.
First, you need to be informed that the Switch is TERRIBLE. The hardware is AWFUL. It is extremely expensive at $300, doesn’t include a game, and has optional accessories that cost even more money! The Switch cannot compare with the PlayStation 4 in graphics and speed or to modern PCs.
Second, you need to be told, repeatedly, how terrible the Switch online is. Even though the online service isn’t out, hasn’t been detailed, and that the console isn’t out yet, we are already telling you that it is BAD BAD BAD. How dare Nintendo make an online service in the first place! Whatever Nintendo makes, it is going to be bad. We don’t have to wait for details.
Now we will go through the launch library and tell you why no games are coming for the Switch.
Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
This is a Wii U port. It doesn’t count as a game.
1, 2, Switch
Party trash. Doesn’t count as a game.
Kid’s game. Doesn’t count as a game.
Just Dance 2017
Party trash. Doesn’t count as a game.
The Binding of Isaac Afterbirth +
Can be bought on the PC. Doesn’t count as a game. “Doesn’t this invalidate all the Western AAA games as they can be bought on the PC?” Shut up!
Super Bomberman R
Bomberman used to be cool until it the franchise became Nintendo exclusive. Now Bomberman sucks! What a piece of shit game! OMG, those graphics are shit! That gameplay is shit! I don’t care if the value of SNES Bomberman games are high, this game has no value because it is not AAA. Do you hear me??? ONLY AAA GAMES CAN HAVE VALUE!!!! Burn this game in fire! Not a real game!
A Wipeout clone? We all know Wipeout or F-Zero clones are not real games.
Same applies to this. It’s like a 1990s futuristic racer. Not a real game!
I am Setsuna
Port of an existing game. Not a real game.
Have you seen the graphics on this? It could be done on a 16-bit system if not 8-bit. Not a real game.
Has Been Heroes
Not AAA. Gameplay mechanics too different from normal. Therefore, not a real game.
This? Not a real game.
Old PC port. Not a real game. “But what about the old PC ports on Xbox and PlayStation?” Quiet!
Mario Kart 8 Deluxe
Wii U port. Cannot count as a game.
It was a real game until the company acquired the IP rights from Sony. Then it became a Non-Game. Just like that!
Puyo Puyo Tetris
A port. Not a real game. It’s not AAA! *gasp*
What shit is this? No one wants this 1990s style arcade like game. What is the sequel going to be? Legs? Sorry, not a real game!
Disagea 5 Complete
Port. Cannot be considered a true game.
Sonic games are not longer considered games anymore.
Nintendo’s shooter isn’t dark enough and doesn’t have blood and guts. Where is the mature storyline? Not a real game!
This game is about six years old now. Therefore, it is no longer a real game.
Fire Emblem Warriors
Fire Emblem franchise games are not truly real games.
Super Mario Odyssey
Another Mario game. “See? You called it a game.” But it is Mario which negates any AAA premise. Therefore, no game here!
Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom
What shit is this? It ain’t AAA. Not a real game!
Xenoblade Chronicles 2
It may say 2017, but we will say otherwise and declare it will never be released. Therefore, no game!
Dragon Quest XI
It may release in Japan. Therefore, it is not a REAL game. Only real games are released in America.
Dragon Quest Heroes I and II
Did you see how much better the graphics of the PS4 version are? Therefore, this is not a real game for the Switch.
Ultra Street Fighter 2
1990s type games do not count as real games. Sorry.
On behalf of the AAA Gravy Train, we are proud to inform the Beautiful Reader that the Switch has…
That is correct. Switch is launching without ANY games. What was Nintendo thinking?
If you disagree with this, you will be reminded of it in every Switch mention you make. If you want to buy a Switch, you are a dearranged fanboy who drools on himself. You don’t want to be a de-arranged fanboy, do you? Of course not. Therefore, you must refuse to buy the Switch and pledge yourself to Western AAA Gaming only for now on!
OK guys, Malstrom here. I finally got control of my blog post. Thanks to the public service announcement of the AAA Gravy Train, I am going to cancel my Switch pre-order and immediately buy a PlayStation 4 and some Western AAA games.
AAA Gravy Train: “Those are the ONLY games!”
Yes, yes we got that message. Thanks.