Posted by: seanmalstrom | February 28, 2017

S Minus Two Days

What is this!? It is genius, reader.

 

Super Bomberman R is sold out on Amazon!!!!

Viral Marketers fail! “30 FPS? Bargain bin title!”

They do not bash the game because it is bad. They bash it because it is a third party Nintendo exclusive. It must not succeed!

 

D Pad Joycon

Where is it, Nintendo?

 

Indie Showcase

 

Hey guys. It is Damon Baker.

What to make of this guy? First, he isn’t annoying to listen to. He is actually announcing Switch games. And what I think is very important, he is smart enough to WEAR A BLAZER FOR A PUBLIC PRESENTATION. If he just wore the Switch shirt, he would look like a little boy. He doesn’t have to wear a tie, but the blazer goes a long way. The guys may not notice it in their thoughts, but they will instinctively (women notice it consciously as they notice all clothes).

My complaint about the presentation is the background. I don’t want to see the shop. I want to see something else. Maybe Switch?

“And our friends at…” It is good that Damon Baker has friends, is it not, reader?

The problem is that none of these have cart releases. This means there are no games for me. Too bad.

“Why are carts so important, Malstrom?”

If Switch games were on discs, the digital wouldn’t be so bad. But with the option of carts, why the hell are they not on a cart?

I didn’t see any games there to be that interesting. One of them looks like a modern version of Urban Champion (which the world does not need). That Mr. Shifty game has bad branding as I want to call it ‘Mr. Shitty’.

Let’s go through some of these, reader.

 

Rogue Trooper Redux Teaser

 

What is this? Who cares.

Celeste

 

How the fuck am I supposed to play that without a D pad, Nintendo? Or should I yell at Damon Baker?

Damon Baker, this is all YOUR FAULT. I blame Damon Baker.

 

Snake Pass

Snake Pass? PASS!

 

It somehow makes Western AAA gaming look interesting. That is hard to do, reader!

Blaster Master Zero

 

It is hard for me to hate on Blaster Master, and this apparently is a sequel and not a remake. It does seem to be a reboot complete with DLCs.

If this was on a cart, it would be a no brainer. But there are no carts so there will be no sales.

It is a really, really bad idea to put Blaster Master Zero as a download game with the indies. People who are interested in this game do not think of it as indie value, they think of it as cartridge value. Blaster Master was its own game once. Why not Blaster Master Zero?

There is a flaw in thinking that 8-bit or 16-bit modern remakes need to be ‘download only’ or only digital where they need physical releases more than anything. Look at how 2d Mario outsold everything the last couple of generations. If Nintendo had made NSMB an indie type title and download only, it would have been a disaster and destruction of the IP. I do not see Blaster Master Zero resurrecting the IP doing this, I see it destroying the IP. Look at Link Between Worlds. Was that game an indie game? No.

More carts please.

It’d be cool if there was a mail order only company out there that would make limited runs of Switch carts for these games. They would ALL sell. I guarantee it. 100% sell rate. Well, maybe not for Shitty Man or Graceful Implosion Machine.

 

Better Profit Model Than DLC

I am going to suggest a replacement model for DLC that will revolutionize the Game Industry. Do you want to know what it is, reader?

What does DLC do? It ADDS CONTENT. You know what I want? I want to PAY the game company money to REMOVE CONTENT. We will call it RMC.

Example of RMC? Blaster Master Zero can have RMC to remove the stupid anime and crappy dialogue. Imagine if Other M and Metroid Fusion had a way to remove the cutscenes from the game. That may be worth paying for!

Zelda: Twilight Princess could have RMC that removes the first half of the game!

RMC would allow players to remove crappy content from the game to make the game more consistent and enjoyable. Battletoads NES Virtual Console could have RMC that removes the Turbo Tunnel stage (stage 3) because that stage sucks.

I am not joking about this. I am serious. RMC could change everything.

When fat faced developers get butthurt when gamers complain about DLC, they say, “But more content is good!” then they shouldn’t complain when gamers should be able to do the OPPOSITE and REMOVE CRAPPY CONTENT.

Your game ending sucks. RMC it!

That stage blows. RMC it!

That item really makes imbalances in the game. RMC it!

Remember, it is about the players, not the developers. The developers will cry when their PRECIOUS STORY AND DIALOGUE gets cut, but they will all be surprised how much gamers are willing to pay to GET CRAPPY ANIME AND STUPID DIALOGUE OUT OF GAMING.

 

Switch Pro Controller works on PC

What is this!? Goodbye Xbox 36 controller.

 

Gungeon coming to Switch

There it is.

But where is the cart? I’d get it if it had a cart.

 

Where is Black Cellar Games, Damon Baker?

Where is Rogue Legacy? Where is their newest brawler game? Damon Baker has work to do.

 

Yooka Laylee

 

I would buy it, and even I do not like 3d platformers. If only it had a cart…

 

War Groove

 

This is the indie game that I think looks legitimately awesome. Good job doing what Nintendon’t.

If only it had a cart…

 

Which Indies Would Malstrom Buy?

None! Since they don’t have carts!

Well, Isaac and Reddout do. I might buy both of those.

If they did come to carts, I would buy the shit out of them. They are so much more interesting than Western AAA gaming.

-Yooka Layle

-Enter the Gungeon

-War Groove

-Blaster Master Zero

-Stardew Valley

-Shovel Knight

They all look more entertaining than Western AAA gaming. They look more entertaining than Generation 8 altogether!

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