Posted by: seanmalstrom | April 15, 2017

Fourth Dungeon Down in BoW “Wow!” Hyrule Castle awaits!

Fourth dungeon down! Fourth dungeon down! (My time has become non-existent since I began doing a project at Rice University.)

It was the Joe Camel dungeon. (First, I did Dumbo, then Gecko [where I saved money on my car insurance], then Big Bird [learned how to count numbers], and finally Joe Camel dungeon.

Maybe it is BoW “Wow!” fatigue, but I was really tired of Gerudo area as soon as I stepped in. Everything about that area SUCKED. I did like the electricity dungeons though since I am also a licensed electrician.

First off, the HEAT was lame as hell. In Death Mountain, it was cool because you were around lava. You had kickass mountain too. Desert was super lame.

Second, the ‘clothes’ made you look like a girl. Maybe this is some sort of Aonuma fetish. I do not wish to look like a girl, Aonuma! The Gerudo town sucked. All those women there and the city was that clean? This is clearly fantasy.

Third, the Thunderhelm quest IS THE WORST THING EVER IN THIS GAME. It is another STEALTH mission! Just like that first dungeon in Wind Waker! Terrible! Terrible! I almost threw away the game. It is SOOO bad that you can’t even save in the middle of it. What the hell, Aonuma?

“It’s so wonderful!”

Fuck you!

You shouldn’t be forced to do the mission only Aonuma’s way. What if I wanted to do total force? I tried it several times, but the game will cheat and kill you.

The boss for the hideout was dumb, and it wasn’t that much fun to fight. But are any of the boss fights fun?

The run-up to the camel was very, very poor, not as bad as the Dumbo one but close. The seals are not as interesting as Nintendo thinks. The Joe Camel beast just looks gay. I have no other way how to express it. Hell, its butt even flips around (it does!).  Joe Camel’s legs look like giant slinkies. Who designed this?

“I love it! The puzzles! They are so amazing!”

Fuck you!

The Joe Camel dungeon sucked as all the beast dungeons do. In this one, you rotate three cylinders in series 90 degrees. One of the ‘gimmicks’ is an electrical circuit that runs across all the parts. If you connect all the parts together, it actives lifts! OMG! So amazing, Aonuma! You are a genius!

“I know.”

Fuck you!

The only thing that really surprised me with Joe Camel dungeon was when its butt flipped over. Whoa! Wasn’t expecting that. Then I began to ride Camel butt around to get to the terminal. At another point, the giant long neck becomes upright.

I don’t understand the appeal of these dungeons. You know how in Skyward Sword, Aonuma said, “The overworld! The entire overworld is going to be a giant puzzle!”? Well, in this one, Aonuma must have said, “The dungeons! They entire dungeon will be a giant interconnected puzzle!”

It all sucks, Aonuma. You have no talent. Why’d you hire high IQ guys to make puzzles? They suck. Hyrule Castle should be your template and forget these Divine Beat dungeons.

“Noooo…..”

Fuck you!

Aonuma probably thinks his puzzles are why Zelda sold so much. Do not laugh, dear reader. Sakamoto apparently thought people bought Super Metroid because of Samus Aran’s maternal instincts. He DID say that in an interview. Aonuma, already mad and frothing at the mouth at the sight of any puzzles or retard npc, probably has created a delusionary world where everyone is buying Zelda because of those amazing ‘divine beast dungeons OMG’.

Above: Aonuma Style! All the bad parts of Breath of the Wild has Aonuma’s fingerprints on it. “Puzzles!” “Retard NPCs!” “Divine Beast dungeons!” He likes it that way!

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