Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 14, 2017

Viral marketers working overtime to sell 3DS Metroid

Nintendo uses marketers just like everyone else does. E3 is one big marketing event. Metroid Other M and Federation Force blew up in their faces, and they want Metroid Samus Returns to be successful. “I just cannot wait to play this game!” says the marketer. “Metroid has terrible fans!” scolds the marketer. And yet we embraced a Metroid made by an unknown development studio.

The marketers are having a tough time because of Retro Studios. Retro Studios, which created THE BEST SELLING Metroid game of all time, Metroid Prime, showed that Sakamoto is not needed to make Metroid games that sell strong and are highly received by fans.

Sakamoto… let me tell you about him. When Other M launched, they tried to make Sakamoto into a ‘game god’ like Miyamoto with Mario or Aonuma with Zelda. Aonuma has the excuse of never having played games when he started making them. Sakamoto is someone who is hellbent on MY VISION OR ELSE and will literally march the wrong way.

Sakamoto was never a ‘designer’ of Metroid. He was a pixel artist. Gunpei was manager of the group. Sakamoto doesn’t even know the technical side of video games! This is why Nintendo has to get a Team Ninja or Mercury Team to partner up with him where they get to put out ‘his vision of Metroid’ out.

Metroid Other M was the clearest and most obvious title to point to Sakamoto not having a clue what Metroid is about. I won’t go into details as to why as you have all heard them. But let’s look further.

Metroid Fusion destroyed the Metroid storyline. So linear with too much stupid dialogue. Sakamoto doesn’t understand gaming. He just wants to be like an italian movie director.

What was GOOD about Fusion is that it shared some of the gameplay of Super Metroid. But that is about that.

What was GOOD about Zero Mission is that, aside from some of its Super Metroid gameplay, it shared the CONTENT of original Metroid. This spared Zero Mission from storytime with Adam.

Did you know that Metroid Samus Returns will have cutscenes? Oh yes. Sakamoto has to show off his love of Italian movie directors.

More fundamental is that Sakamoto is determined that Samus be a ninja where we want her to be a WOMAN in a BADASS SUIT. Samus is the video game version of Spenser’s Britomart. Sakamoto’s vision of Metroid is Sci-Fi Ninja Gaiden on a Space Station… complete with cinematic interludes.

Sakamoto not only makes the shittiest Metroid games ever, the best Metroid games have limited or NO Sakamoto involvement! The question is, “Why is Nintendo giving Sakamoto more money to destroy the Metroid franchise?” It is a question Nintendo should be asked.

If EA made a 2d Metroid, can anyone tell me how it would differ from Samus Returns? I can’t think of anything.

Do we want Samus doing melee attacks? “But she did it in Smash Brothers!” So did Mario, but Mario doesn’t go around in his games punching people.

Above: “Hello! I am Sakamoto! I have no idea how Metroid works! Watch as I destroy Metroid further! Hahahahahaaaaah!”

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