Posted by: seanmalstrom | July 10, 2017

Email: Starfox 2 on the SNES mini needs to be unlocked

I don’t know if you are aware of this, but apparently in you want to play Starfox 2 on the SNES mini you first have to unlock it by beating the first level in the original Starfox:

This is not the end of the world nor a deal breaker, but let’s just think for a moment about this retardation: someone had to go through the extra trouble to add locking functionality to the game launcher, then make sure to lock this one game, figure out where the relevant information is in the obscure binary safe file format of the original Starfox, and finally tie it all together. WTF is the point of this? Who thought that was a good idea? Why lock the one game that people are the most excited to play for the first time?

The old saying goes “follow the money”, but I have no idea how this will in any way benefit Nintendo. It seems more like someone at Nintendo has a control complex. They are treating the customer like a kid: you don’t get your dessert until you finish your vegetables. This is a frequent occurrence with game companies, like forcing you to play through the game on “normal” first before unlocking “hard” mode. Why? Are they afraid that I’m going to have a breakdown if I accidentally pick the wrong difficulty? I really think it’s someone having a control complex, wanting to dictate to players how to play the game the Right Way(TM).

Nintendo doesn’t trust you.

Fuck the SNES Classic. Starfox 2 is not fun Best SNES games are the ones not on the SNES Classic (Chrono Trigger, Lufia 2, Final Fantasy 4/5, Live a Live, etc.)

It’s obvious that Mother 3 will be on the GBA Classic. N64 Classic may have F-Zero editor, etc.

Posted by: seanmalstrom | July 10, 2017

Zelda Hardmode Emails

DLC 1 is a cheap reconfig. Differing stats. But the effective differences are already there.

It’s fine.

It’s fine?

I played all the way through normal Zelda BotW and beat it on normal mode. Great game!
I believe hard mode is the much better game. It just flows much better and is way more immersive. It has exposed all the flaws in my playing style and forced me to dig deep into the battle system and use cooking more to improve. To me it seems like they designed the game on hard mode and then got freaked out, thinking it was too hard for the player, then designed easy/normal mode.

Example: when I first played the original mode, it pissed me when my weapons broke all the time. Now I understand if you cook properly, you can extend the life of your best weapons because the amount of hits needed decreases substantially. Not an issue nearly as much. The other thing I did was sneak into hyrule castle right off great plateau and kill the Stalinox for the Hylian Shield. I have not lost a single good shield as a result. The Hylian shield has been a godsend.

My fast travel has become more efficient as well. I could go on and on but it is just a better game. The enemies are tougher but you have improved as a player and it noticeable in the way you move and defend.

In short, yes completely worth it.

I highly doubt the game was originally designed for hard mode especially with all the extra enemies on lifts.

You know what DLC SHOULD be? More enemy types. They can be harder new enemy types too.

Hard Mode really should be a Second Quest where all the shit is changed up including the Overworld. But no, we have Lazy Nintendo here. If today’s Nintendo did Zelda 1, the Second Quest would just be more enemies and have their stats beefed up. Lame.

Use sure about this Master Malstrom?

I left the cave at the beginning, stole the Apple from King Rhoam and a tree branch. Rare around the corner and there were three black moblins waiting for me with decent weaponry. I ran through the temple of time to activate the first tower and was shot at by moblins on flying rafts. I tried to run to the log cabin for a quick bout of peace to fix myself up… There was a Lynel in the field that saw me, ran me down and made me respawn in a path between a moblin fortress and the Lynel.

I eventually made it off of the plateu and headed to the Rito first. Either I got worse or to timing with Guardians changes after the first deflection now. Every enemy was not only bumped up one level, but there are usually more of them and the giant enemies have had their locations changed. I have weapons like the Great Frostblade, bows that can shoot three arrows at once, etc. It still ain’t easy. I have Perfect Guard and Perfect Dodge mastered, I’m still having trouble. The combination of removing all the goomba level enemies, pairing them up 2-5 at a time and allowing their health to regenerate while not improving drops has definitely made the game more challenging. This is probably what the game should have been the first time around. If it was, I would have had one hell of a time trying to learn how to play and more people would be complaining about difficulty.

I’m also taking my original approach of exploring slowly. Since I know what is in the world, I know which challenges I will tackle when I’m ready for them. Not only that, but I’ve been discovering a lot of things that I missed the first time around since I’m not focused on completing all of the towers and shrines. Ironically, I’ve run into a lot of new shrines and have found entire stables that I missed the first time around. Most of my map is still untouched, but I have 29 shrines and three fairies so far. I haven’t upgraded the slate yet and I don’t have a house yet. I don’t have a complete set of any armor either.

It’s fun again. I’m hoping that the Ballad of the Champions will essentially be Second Quest.

Ballad of the Champions will be Aonuma Zelda. Mark. My. Words. Aonuma so loves himself that he squeals, “Marvelous!” and goes, “Look at all my NPC stories and PUZZLES. Look at my PUZZLES. Aren’t they SO FINE!? Ooohhh!” Imagine if Sakamoto made the Metroid game we wanted (will never happen, but this is fantasy), he would immediately make DLC which would be Metroid: Other M storytelling. These Nintendo guys are so full of themselves and think their ‘creativity’ is so great, they want to ram it down your throat.



Master Malstrom,

Master is not just your title anymore, it is the new mode in BoW “Wow!” Okay… I got my chuckles out of the way.

My opinion was that the “Normal” mode was a bit too easy. There was a ton to explore, and after learning about Master mode being released I decided to beat the game. I finished Normal mode in about fifty five hours, and honestly, feel like I saw maybe ten to fifteen percent of the game. While emergent things that happened were certainly memorable, I cannot say that much of the content itself was memorable. I did twenty eight shrines, all the divine beasts, and picked up a plethora of armor, but there wasn’t much that I really felt like I needed. Heck, I never even found the guy to trade the seeds to in order to upgrade my item capacity. I even skipped figuring out cooking/elixirs for the most part, it just wasn’t vital to my quest.

Master mode on the other hand is a completely different beast. Right from the get go you are struggling to make any progress. This is due to three critical changes. First, your weapons degrade far more quickly, so every strike counts, and this requires you to sometimes source weapons from your combatants. Second, every monster is upgraded to the next highest monster type, the base enemies take a licking, and don’t really provide weapons suitable enough to fight them with. Third, monsters regenerate, which means you need to commit to your strategy, but also need to know when to cut your losses.

What this means to the game is, you’ll be experimenting a lot more, and you really need to use all of the game’s systems together more in order to give yourself any survival advantage possible, especially in the early game. I am by no means an expert, but I have found that you really need to better understand the mechanics of the game and weigh your pro/con options for every encounter.

At about hour three or four the game loosens up because you’ve got more access to the world and more options to upgrade Link. I think I more or less finished out the starter area on my first play through in Normal, but in Master mode there are still some areas I am wary about going to.

Much more of the game is memorable in this play through, and I don’t think it is just because it is so fresh in my memory. Armor wasn’t a big deal for me before, but this play through I absolutely sought out the plate mail and have finally gotten all the parts for the first upgrade. I am by no means indestructible, but this turns a lot of fights that required technical perfection into possible, with the right weapons and stat upgrades. I am not actively farming ingredients, but I will tell you I am always happy to see things that give a defense bonus or an attack bonus.

Right now I am about twelve hours in, which I think is a good point to assess the mode. To me, it feels like what the game ought to have been on launch, it feels like classic NES hard. It is not unfair, it just demands your attention to detail, putting things together for yourself, and becoming a better player. It is still the ‘play your own way’ format, which is great for players who want to create their own difficulty, as there is nothing stopping you from running off to defeat Ganon out of the gate.

I cannot play Hard Mode for three reasons.

One, I have no time. I work seven days a week now.

Two, the constant loading screens in Zelda BoW “Wow!” make me not want to play along with the terrible, terrible NPCs. Zelda BoW “Wow!” did many things right, but it failed hard on the NPCs. The NPCs are terribly designed.

Three, I have other games to play.

Normal mode on Zelda BoW “Wow!” was ‘this game is great’ to ‘ this game is still cool’ to ‘ this game is too easy’. I expect the same curve to exist in Hard Mode but at a further state ultimately creating the same exact problem all over again.

Posted by: seanmalstrom | July 10, 2017

Email: women, marriage…

Your last post about video games and woman is priceless. Hahahahahahahahah! Look, I am a married man, but I could not agree anymore with this post. I say this not because I am an unhappy bitter married man, it honestly has nothing to do with that. I say this because I was extremely picky when I chose my woman.

“Why is he saying my woman?” Because I made her my woman. My woman is 9 years younger than me (no, I am not a pedophile, hahahahahahahahah) and I got her straight out of her parents’ arms. She is a woman with strong religious ( christian) and family values and she was a virgin.

For anyone who is considering being part of such institution: be extremely picky!

Video games have been condemned for creating:

Violence (murder, shootings, etc.)

Sloth (laziness)




And so on. But now video games are causing men to not wed the women!!! Somehow, the woman has no fault! Explosion of fatness, single mummery, debt, androgyny, and mendacity have nothing to do with this. No. Video games came out and BAM! Women had no chance.

Of course, women make up the majority of gamers. How does this fit the narrative? “Malstrom, Malstrom,” says the Pajama Boy, “you must understand that women are superior in all things and can easily play video games all the time and not have it impact their life. Men, being weak and inferior in all things, cannot.” The women are just always magical, right?

There is so much anger about men being happy and content. Why? It implies someone else is NOT happy and is in discontent. If it is not men, who is it, dear reader?

Oh, but I only follow the laws of the 8-bit gamers: goombas will not stomp themselves and the vic-viper will not go on auto-pilot. Play away, boys, play away.

Image result for goomba

Above: It will not stomp itself.

Posted by: seanmalstrom | July 9, 2017

Is Zelda: BoW “Wow!” hard mode worth it?

You guys are playing it. Is it worth it? How is it?

Posted by: seanmalstrom | July 9, 2017

Men are choosing video games over women, oh no!

Take a look at this article by Kyle Smith: We’re losing a whole generation of young men to video games.

Remember when we lost generations of young men to TV? To music? To books?

We DID lose generations of young men to World War 1, World War 2, Vietnam War, Iraq Wars, etc. But that is being literal, you know, reality based. As a columnist for the NY Post, Kyle Smith only has to manufacture words stringed in sentences hung about in paragraphs. Unlike an engineer or entrepreneur, who do have to abide by reality, his words do not have to do so.

The problem with the concept of ‘losing young men to video games’ is that there is a kernel of truth in it. These gentlemen are called the Hardcore Gamers. The Hardcore Gamer believes digital achievement is the same as real life achievement. We know who these people are, and we know how the Game Industry suckers them in.

But this is not who Kyle Smith is talking about. Here is the proof:

Women usually don’t go for men who are less successful than they are, so gaming is going to cause a surge in dissatisfaction among members of both sexes. Unemployed, or underemployed, men residing at Casa de la Mama whose major life skill involves pretend shoot-em-ups are not going to impress many ladies. Accomplished women are going to discover the competition for male peers even tougher than it is today, when there are about three women for every two men enrolled in college.

Poor young men! They do not know what is in their best self interest! Good thing we have NY Post columnist Kyle Smith to tell them what is in their best self interest.

“Accomplished women…” hahahahaha. You mean old women in massive college debt looking for a sugar daddy.



Happiness is not to be confused with fleeting pleasures delivered by artificial, drug-like stimulants.

This would be ‘love’.

Genuine life satisfaction is closely linked to the feelings of productivity we derive from doing jobs well and to the security of enduring close relationships, especially marriage.

Ny Post Columnist Kyle Smith is telling you gamers about how to achieve true life satisfaction: stop playing video games and marry up that used up fat woman with useless college degrees. Let us all give praise to Kyle Smith for informing us on how to obtain ‘true life satisfaction’.

Gamer zombies risk losing touch with both the world of work and with the potential for real human relationships. The parents and friends of these young men are doing them no favors by thinking, “I never see him anymore but he seems happy.”

He calls on parents and friends to go after gamers to stop them from being ‘happy’.

I read other columns by Kyle Smith. and he seems to be off in many of them.

In the book, “Game Over”, there was a story about how a man called the Nintendo Hotline for advice for his fiance. The fiance told him that he played Zelda too much. He either had to choose her or Zelda. The counselor told him to put down the game.

I made the other choice. I chose Zelda. And since then, I have had a blissful life full of video games. Married men hate my guts and look on me with envy. Even as recently as Zelda: Breath of the Wild, a girlfriend told me, “Choose me or choose Zelda.” Okay! You’re gone! See how easy that is?

Video games used to be under assault for ‘violence programming of children’. This is gone. Now video games are going to be under assault for ‘making men happy and distracting them from not giving money to shitty women’. Mark. My. Words.

“Malstrom! Malstrom!” cries the reader. “What you say is preposterous. To think that a medium would be attacked for this? Come! Come! Use some sense!”

I use all the sense is possible, dear reader. Tell me, oh salient reader, what is the subject matter of nearly every music song?


And in movies and TV shows, do you not always see ‘romance’ highlighted as what the material and drama revolves around?

“I cannot disagree with that.”

And even shows like Star Trek: The Next Generation started off very cerebral until it became about ‘relationships’.

“You bring up an uncomfortable memory.”

Above: Star Trek became a relationship show, likely, deliberately so. And how does Whoopi Goldberg end up appear as a ‘wise sage’ out of nowhere? “Malstrom, relax,” says the reader watching the clip. “That is just stuff in an episode.” It’s the series FINALE… and they are obsessed over ‘relationships’. “Please join us for Poker.” GAACCKK!

Video games are not about romance. In other words, video games cannot be turned into ‘men, give all your money to women’ propaganda like movies, TV, and music can. Video games cannot program men about ‘LOVE’.

Expect pressure for the Game Industry to adopt ‘LOVE’ programming. When this discussion breaks out, bring up the greatest romance video game in history: Ms. Pac-Man.

Above: If blockbuster hit games about ‘love’ such as Ms. Pac-Man, Frogger (hopping on the female frogs), Donkey Kong, Super Mario Brothers, and Legend of Zelda (rescuing the princess) do not turn men to marriage, then maybe it isn’t men who need to man up.

Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 29, 2017

Email: Snes Classic

In regards to why they are making it. Continuing the idea that these minis are for marketing, perhaps after the SNES is discontinued they will release the new online system with an online virtual console catalogue. The NES mini was discontinued right as Switch came out presumably to get people thinking about Nintendo and eager to pick something up, continuing the trend and using it to flog their shitty online makes sense to me. Especially as a Netflixesque service is exactly what they want, Nintendo seem to hate the idea of people buying a game and owning it for life, even when it’s no skin off there back. While people will complain about a £3 “upgrad fee” to play a digital game on another console, the media library is already widely accepted and would most likely be accepted well.

That’s my thoughts.

My thoughts are somewhat similar.

Assume the new Nintendo online service has a system where you can buy a digital game and always keep it OR a Netflix-esque streaming type service where you get these games as part of the service though never own them.

There is no Virtual Console for NES/SNES now since that would confuse the customer. Nintendo is CANNIBALIZING the “legacy content” as cheap hamburger software squeezed out for the online service.

As for the NES/SNES Classic? It is a cashgrab before the service is put into place. Apparently, once the service is in place, the NES/SNES classic may be unable to be something Nintendo could sell (i.e. as if Netflix was selling discs).

In other words, this may be the last, very last, time to officially buy these games without them being tied to an online ‘service’.

Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 26, 2017

SNES Classic announced $80


Contra III: The Alien Wars™
Donkey Kong Country™
Final Fantasy III
Kirby™ Super Star
Kirby’s Dream Course™
The Legend of Zelda™: A Link to the Past™
Mega Man® X
Secret of Mana
Star Fox™
Star Fox™ 2
Street Fighter® II Turbo: Hyper Fighting
Super Castlevania IV™
Super Ghouls ’n Ghosts®
Super Mario Kart™
Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars™
Super Mario World™
Super Metroid™
Super Punch-Out!! ™
Yoshi’s Island™


Comes with two controllers this time. The ‘big news’ is the chipped games on there like Super Mario RPG, Star Fox, Star Fox 2, Kirby Super Star, and Yoshi’s Island which are not even available on flash cards. Unfortunately, aside from Star Fox and maybe Kirby Super Star, I don’t see those games as that good (I own the cartridge of Yoshi’s Island and it is meh. No wonder Donkey Kong Country destroyed it!).

Let us look at the third party entries.

Contra III: The Alien Wars™
Final Fantasy III
Mega Man® X
Secret of Mana
Street Fighter® II Turbo: Hyper Fighting
Super Castlevania IV™
Super Ghouls ’n Ghosts®


7 third party games? Ugh.

Where is…

Chrono Trigger

Gradius III

R-type III

Donkey Kong Country 2

Turtles in Time

Final Fantasy IV



Mortal Kombat II

Lufia II

Tetris Attack

Tetris Vs. Dr. Mario

Breath of Fire

Etc. Etc. Etc.


NES Classic gave you 30 games for $60 but with only one controller.

SNES Classic will always be sold out.

What I don’t understand is why is Nintendo making these? I thought NES Classic was to have some sort of holiday gift for 2016. What is the point of these things? Why do this and offer no Virtual Console where there are greater profit margins?

Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 24, 2017

Sakamoto Says! Excellent takedown on Sakamoto

This is an archived version of Maple Leaf. There is very little here but quotes from Sakamoto and some shocked reactions. It shows what an egomaniac Sakamoto is.

I’m just glad someone else did all this. I can’t do it all! Sakamoto is truly a bizarre and crazy person.

Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 24, 2017

The Sakamoto Protection Racket

Reggie Fils-Aime speaks about Nintendo’s stance on AM2R. Let us hear what he has to say:

So, I think there needs to be clarity in what the line is, and, in our view, the line is when an initiative crosses from being an homage to something that is monetizing our IP. We allow homages to exist in a variety of different ways. And, for me personally, as a fan before I was an executive, I understand the attraction that you could have to our IP. But, when it transitions to something that… now, you’re trying to monetize, you’re trying to sell, you’re trying to profit off of, that is what broaches or breaks through that line for us, where we have to claim our IP protection.

Profit? AM2R was free. What is Fils-Aime talking about? Even the interviewer was aghast.

How are you talking about monetization here, because with AM2R, that was a game that anyone could download for free, and again I think, for fans, there was this notion of, “go talk to that person,” or “go talk to other fan creators” and see if there’s a way to not kill that project, to investigate the ideas that happening there that are exciting, who knows.

But again, to differentiate this, we have had conversations with entities that started as fans and became more of a business partner. Those conversations happen all the time, but again, when something transitions to a commercial product, and that’s what [AM2R] was—there wasn’t a charge, but it was now a commercial product.

There was no charge, but it was a ‘commercial product’. WTF?

The interviewer, again, is aghast, and follows up on it.

I guess I need… what’s the definition of “commercial product” for Nintendo?

Well, again, it’s all about… How do we protect our intellectual property? How do our creators, like Mr. Sakamoto, who created Metroid, and Nintendo control that intellectual property so that we can drive where it’s going, versus someone else driving where it’s going.

That’s where the line is very clear for us. And again, we could go on to YouTube and a variety of different places and see fans doing interesting things with our IP. But when it turns to driving the direction of the IP, or somehow monetizing or becoming a commercial project, that’s where for us, the line has been crossed.

If I was the interviewer, I would have responded: “Sakamoto had NOTHING TO DO with Metroid II!!!!” It is the equivalent of having Aonuma remaking the Legend of Zelda without Miyamoto. It is an insult.

Let me translate what Reggie is saying with a parable.

In 1991, Cafe Nintendo makes a chocolate chip cookie. People like this chocolate chip cookie.

Over the decades, Chef Sakamoto keeps putting out chocolate chip cookies with more salt. The sales for Sakamoto’s salty cookies go down. Cafe Nintendo does not respond to the market. Instead, Cafe Nintendo keeps trying to sell Sakamoto’s increasingly salty cookies.

An amateur cook puts out a chocolate chip cookie with more chocolate. Everyone celebrates! If only Cafe Nintendo would put out chocolate chip cookie with more chocolate or, at least, without the salt.

Cafe Nintendo’s response is to send thugs to the amateur chef, bust up his kitchen, beat his ass, and destroy any existence of the chocolate chip cookie with more chocolate.

Cookie eaters are stunned. Why did Cafe Nintendo do this? “We are protecting our IP.” (IP stands for Intellectual Property which applies equally across products including cookies.)

The truth of this situation is that AM2R is not the issue. The truth of the situation is that IP is also not the issue.

This is all about one thing: Sakamoto.

Stop talking about AM2R. Talk about Sakamoto. Nintendo is circling the wagons around Sakamoto.

Let me quote Reggie again:

How do our creators, like Mr. Sakamoto, who created Metroid, and Nintendo control that intellectual property so that we can drive where it’s going, versus someone else driving where it’s going.


Nintendo developers really do have their heads up their asses. The reason why no one is looking for Switch versions of Urban Champion or Wrecking Crew or Mach Rider or even Kid Icarus is because despite how much those IPs were ‘driven’, the market does not want them. People talk about Nintendo’s IPs without forgetting the corpses of failed IPs that Nintendo attempted. Remember Game Freak’s Drill Dozer?

Sakamoto, the pixel artist, did not invent Metroid. Metroid was Gunpei Yokoi’s baby. The people behind Metroid are either dead or retired. Sakamoto is the last one left who had any involvement with it.

Metroid Fusion, on the vast GBA installed base, is completely overshadowed and outsold by Metroid Prime, made by Texans in Austin on the teeny tiny installed base of the Gamecube. Retro’s direct sequels to Metroid Prime, though selling less, still sold over a million (i.e. more than Sakamoto Metroid Gymnastics).

Metroid Zero Mission, the second remake of the original Metroid (Super Metroid was the first), also didn’t perform.

Metroid Hunters came out and sold a million. Say what one wants about Hunters, the game added more to the Metroid franchise than anything Sakamoto did. The bounty hunters are far more interesting than ‘Adam’ or ‘Samus’s tortured past’.

Above: Added more to Metroid than Sakamoto ever did.

Then, of course, there was Metroid: Other M. It was funny to watch people be in such denial about HOW BAD the game was. “Team Ninja messed it up.” No one would blame Sakamoto, the person who WROTE, PRODUCED, and DIRECTED the game.

Above: Metroid: Other M still sucks years later.

With all of Sakamoto’s mistakes, you would think he’d be fired from Metroid franchise. But no. We have Metroid Returns (i.e. Sakamoto Returns) of a 3DS remake of Metroid 2.

Yet, AM2R has to be removed from the internet because Nintendo was scared.

Scared of what? Scared that an AMATEUR WORK can compete and outdo a ‘professional work’? Or is it more scared of how Sakamoto is perceived as being completely talent-less?

It raises the question: what does it take to get fired from being an IP director at Nintendo? Apparently making terrible games that sell bad and review bad is not enough. So what is it, Nintendo? How does one get fired at being IP director?

And why not give 2d Metroid to Retro? Retro can make 3d Metroid and can make 2d platformers. Clearly, Retro is qualified to make 2d Metroid. But Nintendo will never allow it because it would completely destroy Sakamoto who has nothing to list in his game accomplishments except for stuff like Tamagotchi Life and Warioware.

Posted by: seanmalstrom | June 21, 2017

Email: The Atari Box


Amidst all the Sakamoto nonsense, Atari has announced that they are back in the hardware business:

Looking into this in the news, it appears this is more than the Atari Flashback pack-in game system, but an actual full-fledged console. More info will be coming at some point. What to make of this?


It means someone saw the sales of the NES Mini and wants some of that.

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